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Google’s map hides the horrible truth!

It takes a licking and keeps on ticking your tongue.

Found this in my junkmail folder. It must be really important to be sent to me in California, so I’m sharing it with you as well:

Dear Member,

Due to the adverse weather conditions, please be advised that the swimming pool at Royal Russell School will be closed to members on Saturday 3 March. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

Kind regards

Vicky Rees
Administration Assistant
020 8657 4433
www.royalrussell.co.uk

This is a real boarding school about an hour south of London, and the email went to my me.com email address, so it looks like I have yet another evil twin who doesn’t know his iCloud email address, quite a bit younger than the one in Boca Raton or the one in County Cork.

In the App Store, I searched for “philips hue”. Under related searches, the first choice was “girly wallpapers” and the second was “girl wallpapers”. Not sure if they meant my naughty novel cover art desktop wallpaper or not…

Because I bought 15 feet of strong velcro, I must need instant oatmeal. Right, that seems obvious.

…viperaviator’s got you covered.

If I’d known there were girls like this in Japan in 1984, I’d have found a way to get there…

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I hate Christmas songs, which means I haven’t gone into a store without earplugs since October. Usually I counter with A Very Scary Solstice, carols by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society.

But sometimes I accidentally hear “the real thing”, and am forced to invent replacement lyrics to guard my soul.

Ruby the red-haired schoolgirl
liked to put on live cam shows.
Men all over the planet
paid to watch her strip and pose.

All of the other schoolgirls,
jealous of her pricy clothes,
bought webcams and lace undies,
to put on their own smut shows.

Then their web sites got shut down,
by the new DA.
Ruby’s stayed online because
she let him go all the way.

Now she’s working for Hustler,
making thirty vids a year.
She’ll be retired by 20,
married to a financier!