“When I eat a chocolate bunny I bop it on the head first, to show respect to field mice that lost family in the Little Bunny Foo Foo massacre.”
Q: What did communists use to light their homes before candles?
Because of an editing error involving a satirical text-swapping web browser extension, an earlier version of this article misquoted a passage from an article by the Times reporter Jim Tankersley. The sentence referred to America’s narrowing trade deficit during “the Great Recession,” not during “the Time of Shedding and Cold Rocks.”
“Hey, pop quiz! Which of these languages is the best Lisp dialect?
“The answer, of course, is Perl, because it’s the only one of those languages that has both lexical closures and first class anonymous functions.”
“I gave him a gun. I gave him a badge. I gave him the training. If he didn’t have the heart to go in, that’s not my responsibility.”
“The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They’re the Tolkien white guys.”
“It was the ’70s! Drugs were still good, especially quaaludes. If you did enough cocaine, you’d f–k a radiator and send it flowers in the morning.”
Chuck Martel: “One could learn a lot from the beaver. As ‘nature’s engineers’ they don’t bother attempting to build high-rise beaver lodges, instead constructing semi-subterranean homes that are sturdy, virtually impenetrable, and energy efficient, something current humans have yet to figure out.”
The Centrist: “I don’t wish to live underwater in a dark cave. It’s not good for my shiny pelt.”
Alistair: “So in a Green Utopia we live in the dark and eat raw fish?”
“I appreciate that you think I’m deep and all, but really, I’m just trying to steal from you.”
“Listen, and understand! That Terminator is out there! It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop… ever, until you are dead!”
“If your love life requires close air support, something has gone very wrong.”
“Some people, when confronted with a problem, think ‘I know, I’ll use regular expressions.’ Now they have [a-z0-9](([-.]|[_]+)?([a-z0-9]+))*@[a-z0-9]+. problems.”
“Why should your right to freedom of speech trump a trans person’s right not to be offended?”
“Because in order to be able to think, you have to risk being offensive. I mean, look at the conversation we’re having right now. You’re certainly willing to risk offending me in the pursuit of truth. Why should you have the right to do that? It’s been rather uncomfortable.”
“Well, I’m very glad I’ve put you on the spot.”
“Well you get my point. You’re doing what you should do, which is digging a bit to see what the hell is going on. And that is what you should do. But you’re exercising your freedom of speech to certainly risk offending me, and that’s fine.”
“Obama never listened to anyone, always thought he was smarter than every expert in the room, and treated every meeting as an opportunity to lecture everyone else. This led to real-world disasters, like Syria and the rise of Isis.”
“I cried because I had no salt, until I met a man who had no entropy.”
“Rejoice, Comrades! It’s the 100th anniversary of the Bolshevik Revolution. Be sure to torture a dissident, starve a kulak, censor a newspaper, and shoot anyone who disagrees with you. Comrade Lenin would’ve wanted it that way.”
“What if what’s always happened with Hillary—they did all the work, they know everything, they’re super qualified—what if they didn’t do it? What if they fucked it up?”
“Weinstein Company didn’t fire Harvey because THEY found out he was a sexual predator. They fired him because WE found out.”
“This game is such a pile of random broken stuff it’s tough to tell the difference between when it’s malfunctioning and when it’s just being really coy.”
“The National Anthem must be played prior to every NFL game, and all players must be on the sideline for the National Anthem.
“During the National Anthem, players on the field and bench area should stand at attention, face the flag, hold helmets in their left hand, and refrain from talking. The home team should ensure that the American flag is in good condition. It should be pointed out to players and coaches that we continue to be judged by the public in this area of respect for the flag and our country. Failure to be on the field by the start of the National Anthem may result in discipline, such as fines, suspensions, and/or the forfeiture of draft choice(s) for violations of the above, including first offenses.”
“This is griefing disguised as game design.”
What’s important is:
not changing fundamental OS behavior behind users’ backs
not changing decades-long behavior without explanation
giving users a choice and voice, not assuming that whatever some Apple designer happens to personally prefer should be hard-coded and hidden from users, treating them like infants
not #%*@$% confusing users about what is going to happen, creating unexpected, unpredictable or dysfunctional results
Those things are what’s important; those things are part and parcel are the original Macintosh principles of design, and those are the things we have lost in recent years as user interface ignoramuses have taken over “design” at Apple.
“Call me paranoid but finding ‘/*’ inside this comment makes me suspicious”
“Want to close wage gap? Step one: Change your major from feminist dance therapy to electrical engineering.”
“The Constitution does not say that a person can yell ‘wolf’ in a crowded theater.”
Fascist: A person who favours measures possibly conducive to the survival of the West.
“The best way to quiet a country is a good thrashing, followed by great kindness afterwards. Even the wildest chaps are thus tamed.”
“Be it so. This burning of widows is your custom; prepare the funeral pile. But my nation has also a custom. When men burn women alive we hang them, and confiscate all their property. My carpenters shall therefore erect gibbets on which to hang all concerned when the widow is consumed. Let us all act according to national customs.”
“Difference between being a Cubs fan and a socialist? A Cubs fan can point to a success every 108 years.”
“Reliable software must kill people reliably.”
“Do Democrats know that Hillary Clinton is not second-in-line for the presidency? It’s hard to tell.”
“When you run a picture of a clean-cut, all-American girl like this, get her tits above the fold.”
“I remind you: everything you say will be held against you.”
“Well, in that case: ‘Marlene Dietrich!’”
“The less you know about home computers, the more you’ll want the new IBM PS/1.”
“It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.”
“You give ‘em what they want. That’s the role of journalism.”
“No, Maurice, that’s the role of professional wrestling!”
“What’s taking them so long? We’ve got work to do! Dammit, if I could get in there, I’d fix it myself!”
“I’m pretty sure that’s why you can’t get in there.”
“Who here wants to be an ad-man?”
“Who here wants to be a fire engine?”
“I invented the term object oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.”
“Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea— massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.”
“Just once I’d like to meet an alien menace that isn’t immune to bullets.”
“Cincinnati great place to escape for weekend”
“I can’t help myself in the grocery store. The eggs and the apples call to me, ‘Juggle us, juggle us!’ I don’t go to the hardware store for parts, but to find things to juggle. My hands go wild with motion. In the stores my kids act like they don’t know me. My wife hid my machete. She talked of leaving me when I looked at axes the other day. The first thing I think of when I pick up a tool, ball bat or fruit is balance, space and spin. My cats avoid me at all cost.”
“In standardese, ‘The effect of X is undefined’ really means the same thing as ‘Beware of the killer Doberman’.”
“This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn’t wide enough to read this whole error message”
“Emacs itself was one of about half-a-dozen dispatch-vector-driven editors developed circa 1971-1972, and is known to the world at large primarily because it absorbed the functionality of all the others before one of them could successfully absorb it. Emacs has been much like an amoeba from the very beginning.”
“If you have too many special cases, you are doing it wrong.”
“When a person is mystified by a good magic trick it is because he can’t figure out how the magician did it. When a physicist is mystified by an unexpected observation it is because he can’t figure out how the universe did it.
“The big difference, of course, is that the universe plays fair.”
“Look, Max! It’s those pyramid-building aliens I’ve heard about in speculative films and books! They came to Earth to build these immense structures to keep their razor blades sharp and their hamburger fresh.”
“We say of a lustful man prowling the streets that he ‘wants a woman’. Actually, a woman is precisely what he does not want. He wants a pleasure for which a woman is the necessary piece of apparatus. His attitude toward the woman herself may be judged by observing his behavior toward her five minutes after fruition. One does not keep the package after one has smoked the cigarettes.”
“Defecating on the Map will not change the Territory, regardless of how many laxatives you took.”
“Mother Jones magazine has rarely been mentioned by any court as reliable evidence. It is fair to say that the magazine survey lacks some of the earmarks of a scientifically designed and unbiased collection of data”
“Some people, when confronted with a problem, think I know, I’ll use regular expressions. Now they have two problems.”
“The fundamental principle of science, the definition almost, is this: the sole test of the validity of any idea is experiment.”
“Provided people aren’t really damn stupid, there’s an amazingly good chance they won’t be tracked down and have every bone in their body broken including the small ones in the fingers which are quite hard to do.”
“Hey— d’ya think it was the celibacy that made him snap?”
“Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit: sweet yet tart, firm-fleshed yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short brown fuzzy hair.”
“type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know you don’t care, I’m just trying to annoy you)”
“This will be dynamically handled, possibly correctly, in 4.1.”
“In a single movement—too fast for the naked eye to follow—I spin, grab my scope, drop my gun on my foot, cry out in pain, pick up my gun, drop my scope on my other foot, pick up my scope, and raise it to my eyes. The sight I see comes as a shock.
“Mere moments later, I realize my mistake and turn the scope around.”
This material has been reviewed by independent experts who found, based on their professional experience and training, that the material:
Material is intended for viewing/reading by adults only, for use in the privacy of the customer’s home. Not for public use.
“But I understand (and accept) that most programmers are compelled to use the K&R form, following their masters’ dogma blindly, criticizing all others.”
“You don’t understand shit.”
“I want peace and quiet. You disgusting little anthropoids promised me some peace and quiet, didn’t you?”
“Do you remember what I said I’d do if I didn’t get peace and quiet?”
“you said you’d kill us all to death.”
“Use common sense in routing cable. Avoid wrapping coax around sources of strong electric or magnetic fields. Do not wrap the cable around fluorescent light ballasts or cyclotrons, for example.”
“No. You can’t just make up your own words. You have to actually repeat the words that I say.”
“A multiculturist would bring bring marshmallows to a suttee.”
One day Neil DeGrasse Tyson declared “No one can make science more preachy and pedantic than I can!” and Bill Nye said “Hold my beer and watch this”.
“We did this calculation; if all the ice in the world melted—Greenland, Arctic, Antarctic, everything—and then we had the world’s largest recorded tsunami right in front of the seed vault. So, very high sea levels and the worlds largest Tsunami. What would happen to the seed vault? We found that the seed vault was somewhere between a five and seven story building above that point. It might not help the road leading up to the seed vault, but the seeds themselves would be ok.”
“I never thought she was a great candidate. I thought I was a great candidate.”
“Don’t you ever give up your guns. If people lose that right, forget about it. Politicians — they will take everything away from you. And then what are you going to do, protest with a rock? Because that’s what they do in Europe.”
“Not that I would lech in your case, no, I got incest repellent. But the sight is nice.”
“Regulatory commissions soon turned into creatures of the industries they regulated—and discouraged (at first) or stifled (later) all new competition. This was much aided by a tax structure heavily weighted against the middle class. After a while, the great bankers were not just handling money, they were creating it, with a vested interest in inflation. Union leaders, with enormous funds to invest, fitted cozily into the system; if you did not enroll, you did not work, and the leaders and the managers between them set the conditions under which you must work. Antitrust actions penalized efficient management to the satisfaction of the less enterprising. Likewise did quotas, tariffs, wage and price limits, preferential contract policies. A set of ineffective but self-perpetuating welfare programs helped produce the votes useful for maintaining the corporate state.”
97% of practicing mediums agree that communication with the dead is real. #SettledSeance
“He doesn’t know I exist, you know.”
“Then why talk about me? He’ll only think you’re…”
“…crazy. Cerebus knows that.”
“But why would you…”
“Lord Julius always said that insanity was the last line of defence for the master bureaucrat.”
“I don’t get it.”
“It’s hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing at your crotch and baying at the moon.”
“Oh… I get it now.”
“Insanity is a virtually impregnable gambit… but you have to lay the groundwork early in the game.”
“I’ll trust one of our developers to be able to accurately correlate cause and effect when water buffalo fly over my house dropping SweeTarts and Special Dark chocolate bars.”
They have the dark laid-back charm of a Vampire LARPer flirting in-character with the Olive Garden waitress.
“So a looming disaster on public policy, a thin-skinned vindictive man with control over the IRS and the Justice Department, a core base of voters who view him in a near messianic light, a Fox News hater, and a man who has made common cause over the years with Bill, Hillary, Harry Reid, and the late Ted Kennedy. Trump really is the Bizarro World version of Obama.”
“And I was like, defensively fat and fainty? I’ve found my Patronus.”
“We solved the ‘average temperature’ problem by using an anal probe: the astronaut’s body did the averaging.”
“Let the universe go on in exactly the same way it would have if that one critical moment had never occurred. Twenty years later, that was what he would desperately wish had happened twenty years ago, and twenty years before twenty years later happened to be right now. Altering the distant past was easy, you just had to think of it at the right time.”
“The day Al Gore was born there were 130,000 glaciers on Earth.
Today, only 130,000 remain.”
“What I’m really trying to show her is that she can’t continue to say these kinds of things on a campus that’s so liberal and diverse and tolerant.”
“If you do not like it here because some humorists you don’t like are making a newspaper, may I then say you can fuck off.”
“My children are Portuguese, Danish, Finnish, Russian, Jew, Mormons, descended from conquistadors, Vikings, cowboys, pioneers, and prophets, and we had Indian food for dinner last night before watching a Japanese TV show while I glued together pieces of a Spanish war game. My ancestors introduced the chili pepper to Thailand and my wife’s ancestors were legal to shoot on sight in Missouri. Who the hell do you think you are to tell an American not to culturally appropriate stuff?”
“The filmmakers claim to have shot this video while walking the streets of Manhattan for 10 hours, but over half of the shots in the video are actually taken from just one street, namely 125th St. in Harlem.”
“I think of it as competing for beer money; this keeps me steady on course. My purpose is to make what I write entertaining enough to compete with beer. Not to be as great as Shakespeare or as immortal as Homer but simply to write well enough to persuade the cash customer to spend money on one of my paperback reprints when he could spend it on beer.”
“If you had to lose to somebody, at least you know it was somebody better than you!”
“The fact is, guns do more for female empowerment than modern feminism which prefers government as their protector. But legal ownership gives you real power, equalizing the battle between you and evil. Ask any girl: The confidence from learning to shoot a pistol is far superior to any gender studies course, and a stalker is less likely to stalk if you can ventilate his groin. Which is why a whirring bullet is the ideal rape whistle and the real feminist icon should be Annie Oakley, not Sandra Fluke.”
“It’s important that when an officer does approach you to correct your behavior, that you respect them. That’s what democracy’s all about.”
PROTIP: Turn data into big data by encoding it as XML.
“When my daughter started Krav Maga I explained the three rules:
1) Never hit first.
2) Always hit back.
3) If you knock them out you get ice cream.”
“The reason the first three Star Wars movies were so terrific, and the second three sucked so bad, is actually very simple. The first three were about rebels, shooting guns and driving fast, and speaking with American accents. The second three were about politicians, discussing treaties and holding court, and speaking with British accents.”
“What really bothered me is, the whole idea is that at a liberal arts college, we need to be hearing a diversity of opinion.”
“But we should not forget that he was in fact wrong about most things, not just about the totally impractical nature of his communist alternative.”
“I think I’m just getting better at knowing my abilities. Like, I don’t know how long it takes to cook a turkey, but I know exactly how long it takes me to set fire to the kitchen.”
“A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Dropbox cofounder Drew Houston saying ‘anybody with nipples’ instead of ‘anybody with a pulse.’”
“She danced like one of those things they put outside of carwashes, the tubes with faces and arms attached to a fan. She had no mystery, no allure, no skill, no art, and her lunatic visage was so off-putting you were heartened by a sudden new-found certainty: an entire culture had realized that keeping your tongue extended like a basset hound with heat stroke was unbecoming, and unlikely to be repeated except as a sarcastic reference in Instagram selfies.”
“I asked him how to write a short story. He got a mildly startled look on his face, and said, ‘Write the last chapter of a novel.’”
“What’s the name for the fallacy where you assume everyone who disagrees with you is guilty of a fallacy?”
“It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that’, as if that gives them certain rights. It’s no more than a whine. It has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. ‘I’m offended by that.’ Well, so fucking what?”
“Psh! I could whup your cocky ass wearing peanut butter and moonbeams.”
“I am the senator, you are the citizen. You need to be quiet.”
“Sometimes there just isn’t a side to cheer for, something progressives fail to get because they think history is sentient and has favorites.”
“I once dropped an alien spacecraft on top of the main train station in Zürich because I didn’t like the floor tile they’d installed during a renovation.”
Snow in October is like coming home to find the locks changed and all your stuff in the yard. Summer isn’t just gone, it has dumped you.
Er. And it came to the great commandment in the king’s son. He answered and said, Drink, and I have set up?
Every time a couple making over $250,000 per year gets their taxes raised, a Democrat gets its wings.
“Chess ni matta wa arimasen!”
(“no backsies in chess!”)
“Road works are scheduled on Bland Street all next week. On Monday, striping work will close one lane. On Tuesday, the entire street will be closed for repaving. On Friday, Consolidated Gas will be digging a new main.”
“Maybe directors like dictators because they understand the desire to have final cut.”
“No, this is not a bug. I have already set it to ‘WONTFIX’ in my mind.”
“Every single great idea that has marked the 21st century, the 20th century and the 19th century has required government vision and government incentive.”
“They can come for the ride, but they gotta sit in back.”
“I know how to be subtle. That’s when I use chemical explosives instead of nuclear.”
“My God, this is a speech filled with warmed over ideas, straw-men and catchphrases. At least it’s being delivered in a low energy, stumbling manner.”
“First, I would like to dispute the idea that Eolienne windmills aren’t profitable. Once one adds all the subsidies and financial support the industry receives from the French government and the European Community, it is losing very little money.”
“The answers to your Security Questions are case sensitive and cannot contain special characters like an apostrophe, or the words ‘insert,’ ‘delete,’ ‘drop,’ ‘update,’ ‘null,’ or ‘select.’”
“At around age 6 while living in Korea, I somehow came to have a spiffy catalog from America that listed all Fisher-Price toys that were available for mail-order. The catalog had all these incredible toys that neither I nor any of my friends have ever seen. I read that catalog so many times, imagining playing with those toys, until the catalog eventually disintegrated in my hands one day.
“The catalog was the book that confirmed to me—who was six, mind you—that America must be the best and the greatest country in the world. Later when I came to America, my faith was validated.”
Pre-re-undeinterlacing primary and secondary matchmaking parameters…
Land: burned; sea: boiled; unable to acquire sky, please wait…
“The average liberal thinks that if we’re nice enough, we can reach an understanding with Hugo Chavez or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck can’t be reasoned with.”
“All contract web developers are bling-happy assclowns with no concept of revision control or release management, who think 1,000 is a large number.”
“… you know frankly, going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind.”
“A rule of thumb that has worked well for me is that if I’m excited to play around with something, it probably doesn’t belong in production.”
“End of another year and once again hydrogen is top of the periodic table. I don’t know why the others bother.”
“I am a scientist, not a climatologist, so I don’t dabble in climatology.”
“This is what you do in a game, you run around and talk to everyone with punctuation over their heads until you win.”
“A study by German scientists showed that 10 minutes a day of ogling women’s breasts by men was as good at warding off heart disease, high blood pressure and stress as 30 minutes of aerobic exercise.”
“Police in Washington state captured a schizophrenic killer who had escaped during an outing from the mental hospital where he had been committed to a state fair.”
“Is that something we can change? We have friends in the White House now!”
“I think the irony — and you wouldn’t know this from reading your publication’s editorial page — is that I actually would like to see a relatively light touch when it comes to the government.”
“The corn ethanol industry has to figure out another way to process corn into ethanol that is not so corn-intensive.”
Maybe I’m old-school, but “President fires CEO” looks as wrong as “Pope fires Missile.” Does not compute.
“Later in the afternoon, the President and the First Lady will attend a reception with the National Newspaper Publisher Association in the State Dining Room, where they will be presented the Newsmaker of the Year award. This event is closed press.”
“Broken gets fixed. Shoddy lasts forever.”
“Hogger is end game content for bank alts and forum trolls.”
Obama team probe of Obama team finds no Obama team impropriety
“Travis is a man so dull he has other people’s nightmares.”
“The Universe giveth with one hand and bitchslappeth with the other.”
“This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”
“If we both liked exactly the same things, one of us would not be necessary.”
“What’s the difference between Sarah Palin and Barack Obama?”
“One is a well turned-out, good-looking, and let’s be honest, pretty sexy piece of eye-candy.
“The other kills her own food.”
“In the last 24 hours everyone has been offering an opinion on Chris Hoy. But what does Chris Hoy think of Chris Hoy?”
“Chris Hoy thinks that the day Chris Hoy refers to Chris Hoy in the third person is the day that Chris Hoy disappears up his own arse.”
“Torture is any experience so horrible that no-one would consider trying it out simply for the purpose of writing a Vanity Fair article about what it’s like.”
“…every time you turn on the television and you listen to one of those people dissin’ her, they all have a college degree. They’ve all got a good job. They all got health care. And they’re having no trouble fillin’ up their gas tank.”
“While I suppose it’s still true that money cannot buy happiness, it does seem to be possible for money to buy electronics which dispense happiness.”
“Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl’s clothes off.”
“I am not particularly brave around [live] pigs. I know how it feels to have an angry sow come after you and send you clambering up a fence. Still, give me a big sturdy assistant and a small enough pig and the right number of vicious dogs, and I think I could manage to bring home the bacon. In fact, I think that’s how Chelsea Clinton was conceived.”
“Oh, I see, NSFW stands for ‘Not Safe For Work’…”
“I have, to some degree, underestimated the difference between shaking the hand of a head of state and having a check written.”
“Hokey dialog and fancy editing are no match for a good director at your side, kid.”
“For every software problem, there is a solution that is free, Open Source, and will probably compile on your system if you sort out the package dependencies, hack on the Makefile, and find the unsupported patch that adds the features you need.”
“You know, they say life is like a box of Men’s Pocky…
…you never know when your robot girl will get kidnapped.”
“President Bush isn’t a fascist, and I can prove it.
“We’ve seen what American bookstores and publications and universities do when confronted with real fascists: they knuckle under. You might not be able to find those Danish cartoons anyplace respectable, but you’ll sure find lots of anti-Bush stuff.
“Ipso facto, America is doing just fine, thankyouverymuch.”
“A recent study at my ol’ Alma Mater has concluded that when whiny kids grow up, they become conservatives. When they don’t, they become liberals.”
“People who want to build from source should want to send me patches if they think something’s wrong. People who don’t want to do that should install binaries.”
“Sir, you can’t translate poetry into prose. That’s why it’s poetry.”
Mom: ...and you have to hold my hand before we go out into the street.
Little girl: Best fucking advice ever.
“What I have ascertained is not that PCs as we know them lack good design, but that PCs as we know them have hardly any design to speak of.”
“I’m tired of thinking about ponies! Now it’s time to kill!“
“A separate government report last month showed that the median price for a new home fell 6 percent in September to $215,700. Half the homes sold for more than the median and half for less.”
“It seems there’s a slight race condition that happens more than 50% of the time.”
“She knew how to embroider and milk a cow.”
“Until your daddy learns that it’s not ‘fun’ to kill, keep your doggies and kitties away from him. He’s so hooked on killing defenseless animals that they could be next!”
Last week, at a summit featuring such noted nutrition experts as SpongeBob SquarePants and Jared the Subway sandwich guy, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill that forbids public schools from selling sodas.
…Intelligent design is not an argument of the same character as these controversies. It is not a scientific argument at all, but a religious one. It might be worth discussing in a class on the history of ideas, in a philosophy class on popular logical fallacies, or in a comparative religion class on origin myths from around the world. But it no more belongs in a biology class than alchemy belongs in a chemistry class, phlogiston in a physics class or the stork theory in a sex education class. In those cases, the demand for equal time for “both theories” would be ludicrous. Similarly, in a class on 20th-century European history, who would demand equal time for the theory that the Holocaust never happened?
“The arts community is generally dominated by liberals because if you are concerned mainly with painting or sculpture, you don’t have time to study how the world works. And if you have no understanding of economics, strategy, history and politics, then naturally you would be a liberal.”
“Well sir, I’d tell you, if I got my news from the newspapers I’d be pretty depressed as well.”
“I feel really bad about destroying all the work we’ve done for the last seven years. It really is unfortunate that I melted everything we’ve ever created. I think that we need to look at the bright side though. I think we all learned an important lesson about backing up your files.”
“Do you see? Even I had trouble installing Linux, and I hung my machine about three times just because a standard install got confused.
“If I have trouble installing Linux, something is wrong. Very wrong.”
“I like the idea of having Internet service on my flights, but having wheels, ultimately, is more important.”
Only a Designer would have had the infinite wisdom and compassion to make it so that the baby giraffe falls several feet and lands on its head at birth.
“You can’t spell Sith without s, h, i, and t.”
That’s just cruel—it’s like wrapping condoms in babies.
Some years ago, actress Dawn Wells visited one of the remotest islands in the already remote Solomon Islands; she was, in fact, the first non-native woman to set foot there. The chief’s wife stared at Wells in surprise when she came out of her hut. “Mary Ann?” she asked in amazement.
“If you call that interfering, there’s something wrong with your Funk ‘n’ Wagnalls.”
“I don’t even consider it heckling unless they stab me.”
“Fifty-one percent of the American people lacked information (in this election) and we want to educate and enlighten them.”
“You can drive from coast to coast across the middle of the country and never pass through a single county that voted for John Kerry.”
“Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any old nut—a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut.”
“There he was, OBL, all tan and rested and on videotape (hey, did you get the feeling that he had a bootleg of my movie? Are there DVD players in those caves in Afghanistan?)”
“‘I dwell in darkness without you,’ and it went away?!?”
“These are serious times and the senator is not a serious man. And so we have a campaign that has a sharper position on Mary Cheney’s lesbianism and the deficiencies of Laura Bush’s curriculum vitae than on the central question of the age.”
“It was not an act of hate. My mom called me a terrorist. It wasn’t terrorism; it was activism. It was for a cause…”
“I’d be delighted to live in a country where happily married gay couples had closets full of assault weapons.”
“Thailand has become the world centre of penis reattachment surgery…”
“If people have to choose between George Bush and a crowd of furious bicyclists whose biggest claim to fame is that one of their blogs was mentioned in passing by Al Franken on that one AM radio station nobody turns on because it’s about as exciting as listening to NPR at 50% speed, they’ll either choose George Bush or they’ll choose to look away when the riot police start caving in skulls with their nightclubs.”
“People sometimes have to correct my English. I knew I had a problem when Arnold Schwarzenegger started doing it.”
Several campaign officials and advisers say they recognize the need to have an “adult” traveling with the candidate—as one put it, “someone who can tell him to shut up, or change something if and when that is necessary”…
In Snohomish County, Wash., 50 protested at a rally this month against electronic [voting] machines. County Auditor Bob Terwilliger accepted their petition of 20,000 names. But he said he couldn’t help chuckling as he perused it. The “signatures” were electronic and on a computer printout he couldn’t verify.
“I grabbed the arm of [NYC Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik], and I said, Bernie, thank God that George Bush is president of the United States.”
“Listen, baby—these tabloid newspapers—these photographers—the press—these people do not care about us. They could care less what actually happens to us. So you and I have to take very good care of our life. On our own. We can’t expect them to do it for us. We know our values— and we know who we are.”
“We actually misnamed the war on terror. It ought to be the Struggle Against Ideological Extremists Who Do Not Believe in Free Societies Who Happen to Use Terror as a Weapon to Try to Shake the Conscience of the Free World.”
“Despite what the Wash Times article has to say about assassinations and truck bombs and chemical attacks, the paragraph your favorite leftist blogs will be obsessing about tomorrow morning is the one with the quote from the intelligence official who says Al Qaeda wants Bush to lose. That’s what’s really troubling, you see. Because even though everyone and their mother knows he’s right, goddamnit, why did he have to go and politicize it???“
Jason Byrne: You talk about Muhammad Ali in your latest DVD and how frightening it was to be in the ring with him. But do you reckon you could beat him now that the two of you shake like maracas?
Richard Pryor: That’s your fuckin’ question?
I’ve been buying this organic bread recently. I’m not a big organic guy (could you guess?) but it’s low-carb and yet doesn’t taste like cardboard. Several times, however, the bread has gone moldy within a day or two. Yuck. So I took some back to the store all indignant about how I only just bought this bread and now its moldy. The clerk explained it to me—heh, it’s organic—no preservatives, get it? Oh, that’s what preservatives do. I will never question civilization again.
“Sadly, I know many people who used to smoke marijuana. None of them leads a happy life any longer. One is now employed as a rocket scientist and the other works for Microsoft. Nothing says ‘I used to smoke dope’ more than working for Microsoft.”
“Iraqi women’s sports—destroyed under Uday’s rule because athletes feared he would rape them—are recovering.”
“…Engines which couldn’t pull a lesbian off your sister…”
“Is The New York Times a Liberal Newspaper? Of course it is.”
“It’s a real conflict for me when I go to a concert and find out somebody in the audience is a Republican or fundamental Christian. It can cloud my enjoyment. I’d rather not know.”
“…debating Fahrenheit 911 is a lot like chatting up a fish stick: even if you score, you’re scoring with a tube of hastily processed, frozen breaded cod bits.”
“Ralph Nader has slavery reparations on his platform, which makes me think he’s not serious. If he thought he could win he wouldn’t even say that.”
“Lauren’s heartfelt, pain-filled account is the sort of thing that makes even the most hard-nosed skeptic and science buff want to become a con artist who bilks movie stars and fashion moguls out of their hard-earned (or easily inherited) wealth.”
“Wait until France gets a hard shot in the nose. Wait until France reacts with some nasty work. They’ll get a golf-clap from the chattering class over here and a you-go-girl from Red America. France could nuke an Algerian terrorist camp and the rest of the world would tut-tut for a day, then ask if the missiles France used were for sale. And of course the answer would be oui.”
“Astrology may be slightly damaging, but mostly it is just sad. So sad, that people are ignorant of the true glories of the stars, and of the stupendous distances and times that separate them, while they bother with the frivolous inventions of a charlatan like Jonathan Cainer.”
For a start, they pay a hefty premium for “organic” seeds. What on earth can that mean? The mass of a cabbage seed is of the order of a milligram, while the cabbage it produces is of the order of a kilogram. If the seed was “contaminated” with say one percent of a deadly poison, the cabbage would contain about ten parts per billion of the dreaded stuff. There is no known non-living substance (even the most deadly, Botox, which Californian women inject into their faces) that can produce any symptoms at such a concentration.
“We’re going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.”
David Letterman: “How do we know what’s in your film [Fahrenheit 9/11] is true?”
Michael Moore: “Because I got most of my information from The New York Times.”
Audience: Wild laughter.
Letterman: Strains to repress laughing
Moore: “What’s so funny?”
The company distributing filmmaker Michael Moore’s Bush-bashing movie “Fahrenheit 9/11” says it won’t reject an offer of help from Middle East terrorist organization Hezbollah.
“Stop listening to celebrities. They do what they do for money— that’s all. I don’t even know why you’re listening to me. I’ve done commercials for both Coke and Pepsi. Truth is, I can’t even taste the difference, but Pepsi paid me last, so there it is.”
“If the European Union were a state in the USA it would belong to the poorest group of states.”
BW&BK: “There are a lot of authors, especially a guy like Noam Chomsky, who believes a lot of consent in the US is manufactured by politicians and corporations—”
JS: “Talk about one of the fuckin’ ultra leftist spin doctors of the world, Noam Chomsky. You buy into that crap?”
BW&BK: “Well, I read a lot of his stuff.”
JS: “But do you believe it all?”
BW&BK: ”I have a degree in political science, so I believe some of it.”
JS: “Hmm. Yeah. Well. And how old are you?”
BW&BK: “I’m 22.”
These tortured souls can vaguely guess, lying in bed late at night, that even the lowest and most common working man or woman in America can, once a year, travel to Las Vegas and live a few days in luxury unknown to the grandest Caliph in the very flower of their history.
You’ve got to admit, if that were you— that would suck.
“Hillary Clinton’s 506-page memoir has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.”
“Even if we were to discover enormous warehouses full of nuclear weapons, the war still wouldn’t have been justified.”
When Hoover Institution historian Robert Conquest used newly available data from the Soviet Union to update The Great Terror, his account of Stalin’s murderous purges of the 1930s, his publishers asked for a new title. “How about I Told You So, You Fucking Fools?” Conquest suggested.
If you want me to explain the undead or Johnny Depp— sorry, mate, you’re on your own.
“In sports we have a tendency to overuse terms like courage and bravery and heroes, and then someone like Pat Tillman comes along and reminds us what those terms really mean.”
“Misys gives Pecker head job”
In Katy schools, throwing food, carrying a pager and having a skateboard are all listed in the student code of conduct as offenses that can warrant calling in the police.
“A fish, a barrel, a smoking gun.”
I hate to say it, but that’s what it comes to in Ashcroft’s Amerikkka: if you express callous contempt for four lynched Americans strung up by a raving mob, there’s a chance you might lose advertisers looking to court a moderate audience.
“It’s not against the law, but it is absolutely deplorable to have a bird of prey within a few feet of the patient under anesthesia.”
“Illegal alien— cease and desist immediately! Return to your hive and await nuclear sterilization!”
A story headlined ‘Syria seeks our help to woo US’ in Saturday’s Weekend Australian misquoted National Party senator Sandy Macdonald. The quote stated: “Syria is a country that has been a bastard state for nearly 40 years” but should have read “Syria is a country that has been a Baathist state for nearly 40 years.” The Australian regrets any embarrassment caused by the error.
When the darkness enveloped the hidden world, the sudden post-war development of this new continent was gathering strange phenomenon and people wandeing in the darkness who are not human, regardless of the season was spring.
Dave Wilson, Nova Scotia’s opposition Liberal party health critic, thinks the government’s health officials have lost their marbles on this one— although he can’t say that because “losing your marbles” is one of the government’s blacklisted phrases.
“I am ready to enlist in the Kerry Army.”
“A sale piece is expected. Let’s hurry at a store hard.”
“We were playing a little bit with where science ends and speculation begins.”
“The other party’s nomination battle is still playing out. The candidates are an interesting group with diverse opinions. They’re for tax cuts and against them. They’re for NAFTA and against NAFTA. They’re for the Patriot Act and against the Patriot Act. They’re in favor of liberating Iraq, and opposed to it. And that’s just one senator from Massachusetts.”
“It seems to me that the price of eternal vigilance is liberty.”
When we see womankind taking tobacco in the privacy of its own chamber, with its feet on the fender, and “none to supervise;” more particularly when we see it solacing itself with a pipe, then but not till then, shall we be forced to admit “the sex” to the privilege of full equality with us— a state of things which masculine prejudice still considers must be the highest circumstance of earthly bliss.
“As for smoking bans in ‘public places,’ there are three reasons why they’re unjustified. First, pubs and clubs are actually private property. Second, bars don’t have to be smoky any more, with the air-cleaning technology available. But most importantly: no danger from ‘second-hand smoke’ has ever been proven. Unlike most journalists, politicians and, regrettably, doctors, I’ve gone through all of the more than 40 studies. Only a few show any risk, and it’s statistically insignificant. There are higher risks from drinking milk, using mouthwash and keeping pet birds. I swear I’m not making this up! People who use this sort of ‘junk science’ to stigmatise smokers and to nag and bully us out of our pleasures should be bloody well ashamed of themselves.”
“We’re going to tell all those white boys who run the Republican Party to stay out of our bedrooms.”
“You can say that it’s great that Saddam is gone and I’m sure that a lot of Iraqis feel it is great that Saddam is gone,” Dean said yesterday in answer to a question in Manchester. “But a lot of them gave their lives. And their living standard is a whole lot worse now than it was before.”
“The top one percent in this country pays very much less than ten percent, very much less than five percent.”
“We landed on Mars that day — why aren’t they talking about that?”
How are we supposed to find hidden and buried WMDs in Iraq if, wherever one digs there, we just keep finding mass graves?
“Why didn’t you fight?” one Governing Council member asked Hussein as their meeting ended. Hussein gestured toward the U.S. soldiers guarding him and asked his own question: “Would you fight them?”
“Speaking as a lifelong female, it was very encouraging to discover that there’s nothing as weird about guns as some guys are about guns.”
“Offending readers isn’t the issue; it’s offending them without sufficient justification.”
“The only people who would be hurt by abandoning the Kyoto Protocol would be several thousand people who make a living attending conferences on global warming.”
Well, you know, we wouldn’t play Sun City when we were asked. And we were the only ones who were asked to play Sun City. No one in the video that said, “We ain’t gonna play Sun City” was asked!
“I get the feeling that some Democrats had so much hatred for Bush that they had no hatred left over for Saddam.”
SNOW: There were claims before the war by Secretary of State Colin Powell that Iraq had weaponized and ready-to-use chemical weapons. He was very confident about the existence of chemical weapons. You have not yet found actual chemical weapons, correct?
KAY: Tony, it’s important to stress the word “yet.” We have not only Secretary Powell, we have Iraqi generals telling us that they had them. Unfortunately, they’re not able to tell us where they are now. And that’s why we’re looking so hard.
“…only Democrats and Dictators are afraid of elections.”
“All of our research says even the guys that were taking it for free are saying, ‘You know what? For 99 cents a song, I’m in.’”
“This recall is bigger than California. What’s happening here is part of an ongoing national effort by Republicans to steal elections they cannot win.”
“Life begins at conception. Human life begins at age 25.”
“If your workplace is safe; if your children go to school rather than being forced into labor; if you are paid a living wage, including overtime; if you enjoy a 40-hour week and you are allowed to join a union to protect your rights— you can thank liberals. If your food is not poisoned and your water is drinkable— you can thank liberals.”
“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament], ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.”
“Creation science” has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our entire intellectual heritage—good teaching—than a bill forcing honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any general understanding of science as an enterprise?
“The suspect was clearly an unbalanced psycho… so many kids today are. I suspect he was a Satanist too, a belief he probably picked up by reading those comic books.”
“OSU Academy requires rape, cultural training”
“A splendid weapon for defending oneself in a crowded elevator.”
Attempts to breed hairless tailless cat have not been generally welcomed.
“Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.”
“My buddies are being killed by supporting all the Linux variants. It is hard to build a product on top of Linux because every other user compiles his own kernel and there are many different species. The main hope for Oracle, DB2, and SQLserver is that the open-source community will continue to fragment. Human nature being what it is, I think Oracle is safe.”
“It was very difficult to get the Irish girls to expose their breasts.”
“If someone has a gun and is trying to kill you, it would be reasonable to shoot back with your own gun.”
According to the Insurance Information Institute, approximately 75,000 people per year require emergency room treatment for injuries caused by lawn mowers.
“Okay, what’s my motivation for sex?”
“You’re a man, dear; anything short of death is motivation for sex.”
Why then do we hear so much bad news about the environment? Why do polls consistently show that people believe that the conditions are getting worse and not better? Not to put too fine a point on it, it is because environmental activists often lie, in big ways and small, in order to create the false impression that we are going from one environmental crisis to another and will soon become the victims of an environmental cataclysm.
…blaming Potter for not being Tolkien strikes me as about as meaningful as crying, “This cat! It is not a cheesecake!”
“Can you get 12 pounds of feathers out of a goose?”
“I got them in there, didn’t I?”
“Dis iz de greatest ting sinz sliced schtupid people on toast!!”
“burglars are members of the public who must be protected from violent householders”
Herewith the 3000-year history of alternative medicine in 30 seconds:
1000 BCE: “Eat this root.”
100 CE: “That root’s heathen, don’t eat it. Say this prayer.”
1800 CE: “That prayer is superstition, don’t say it. Drink this snake-oil.”
1900 CE: “That snake-oil is phony, don’t drink it. Take this pill.”
2002 CE: “That pill is artificial, don’t take it. Eat this root.”
“If even one kid is saved from emptying his wallet into the livingroom coinslot that is the retail Xbox, and instead turned on to how they can contribute to free software for the enrichment of everyone’s lives, all of our work will have been worthwhile.”
“They [La Prensa] accused us of suppressing freedom of expression. This was a lie and we could not let them publish it.”
“Care to expound, or are you just going to leave us all with the impression that you’re merely an inarticulate asshole?”
“Lest I leave the wrong impression, I’m not inarticulate.”
“Be warned that being an expert is more than understanding how a system is supposed to work. Expertise is gained by investigating why a system doesn’t work.”
“Apart from the side-mounted railguns, I demand very little from my car but that it get me around in reasonable comfort and dubious safety.”
“…it has been estimated that less than 20% of children have had more than a fourth grade education.”
“My full name is Gertie Ball, but please, just call me Gertie. You’re about to discover that I’m pretty amazing!! You can have fun with me in as many ways as you can imagine!
“When you inflate me a little, I’m real soft and flexible; inflate me a lot and I keep growing ’til I’m big and round. You’ll find out that you can squeeze me, roll me, bounce me, throw me; you can even wrinkle me, smash me and kick me!!
“You can play with me anywhere—inside or out. You’ll really like how different I feel. You can even wash me when I’m dirty and I’ll be clean as new for you.
“Big or little, day or night, rain or shine, I’m your Gertie Ball!!”
“My full name is Gertie Ball, but please, just call me Gertie. I want to be your special play ball. Play with me any way you want: Grab Me, Throw Me, Feel Me, Catch Me, Touch Me, Kick Me, Squeeze Me, Bounce Me. I know once you pick me up, you’ll never want to put me down. But if you do, I’ll bounce right back to you.”
“‘Moral?’ The outworn hypocrisy of ‘morality’ is for the weak and foolish. We live in a modern, dynamic, masculine society. It is free and independent — it needs nothing but itself.”
“Are you saying it can’t get a date?”
Reading Usenet with Emacs gives new meaning to the phrase “garbage collecting.”
Just goes to show you how hairy sendmail is — a single misplaced open-bracket, and suddenly your site switches into Craig-Shergold mode…
Don’t get suckered by the comments — they can be terribly misleading. Debug only the code.
The usual advice is RTFM, but perhaps your manual omitted this information.
“Can I open my eyes yet?”
“That depends. Are you waiting for us to be anywhere near ground?”
“Keep your eyes shut.”
“That’s not one of meat’s many uses.”
“If it’s green it’s trouble, if it’s fried get double.”
“Lap dancing is the ultimate nightmare of man.
It’s porn that can see you.”
Anything from 45 to 75 characters is widely regarded as a satisfactory length of line for a single-column page set in a serifed text face in a text size… But even with generous leading, a line that averages more than 75 or 80 characters is likely to be too long for continuous reading.
“Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.”
“They laughed at Fulton, they laughed at Bell, they even laughed at Edison. But this was genuine, heartfelt laughter… robust rolling waves of it, from deep down… the kind where you know they really mean it.”
“…everyone else just throws a tantrum when their articles aren’t replied to. You have to bring up artistic integrity.”
“The possible ramifications of my actions are endless.
Do you want half of a ham sandwich?”
“Hi. I’m subbing for Cliff Stoll on this panel, and will be ready to do so just as soon as I drink a case of Jolt Cola and stick my finger in an electric socket.”
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife!”
“I must say, though, that I wonder how many of you support the use of cats for scientific research?”
“We tried it once but the cats really weren’t up to it, bad writing skills and few worthy PHD’s among them. I don’t think any of them actually got tenure, which is sort of sad.”
“‘You’re the System Administrator?’ Yes. I’ve been asked this before, and I think it mainly is because my head is shaved and I wear jeans and t-shirts to work everyday.”
“Who else would you be?”
bread: this should not happen.
“We realized that what it all comes down to economically is that the performance is a promotional device for a t-shirt selling business.”
“This goes neatly to the theory that information does not, in fact, want to be free; information wants to be about $5.”
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
“If this power could be used for good, it wouldn’t be this power.”
“As evil plans go, it doesn’t suck.”
“I don’t trust anyone whose job was created after 1990.”
“Anything’s good when it’s deep-fried, even brains.
Maybe especially brains.”
“No, no, information really does want to be free.
“Just like shoes want to be rich, fences want to be happy, clouds want to be famous, and pencils just want to be loved uncritically.”
“Are you wobbling on your heels? How high are they?”
“I don’t know…two, three inches. You’re a guy— you’d know inches better than I would.”
“When I first got this, I thought ‘No way! this is too good to be true!’ But then I decided to solve mathematically whether this would really work, since as an Mech. Engr. student (with high GPA) I basically kick ass at math. I was able to PROVE that this, in fact, REALLY DOES WORK!”
“I’ll use vi, that’s easy.”
“J, sometimes a feather is just a feather.”
“Brian, that’s disgusting; put that in your mouth!”
“Like the ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.”
“I feared that the committee would decide to go with their previous decision unless I credibly pulled a full tantrum.”
“Genuinely skillful use of obscenities is uniformly absent on the Internet.”
“And it’s so portable— at least, it worked on every VAX that I tried it on.”
“When you don’t have enough space for Emacs, you don’t have enough space.”
“Crossposting isn’t inherently evil, in the same sense that necrophilia doesn’t really hurt anybody. One wonders only whether it’s appropriate to the occasion.”
“Anyone who takes this seriously deserves to.”
“It’s like the female version of male menopause.”
“There are two schools of thought on Nostradamus: either (1) he had supernatural powers which enabled him to prophesy the future with uncanny accuracy, or (2) he did for bullshit what Stonehenge did for rocks.”
We recently had problems with the disk used to store 4BSD system bug reports, and have lost approximately one year’s worth. We would very much appreciate the resubmission of any bug reports sent to us since January of 1991.
“Everyone can be a diplomat with properly doused phraseology.”
“This will be dynamically handled, possibly correctly, in 4.1.”
“Unix is so cryptic— you have to type ‘ls’ to do a ’d’.”
Thou patch a bug, and violates too much a bug, and dump it to develop the rest.
The larger the effect on sentences can be dramatically random.
“I’m not so dumb I take my own advice.”
At the USENIX contest for “name your favorite proposed window manager feature,” whose results were announced at 2pm yesterday, one of the entries of note was ‘dbwm,’ the Dan Bernstein window manager: it argues with you for 10 weeks whenever you want to move a window.
“Debbie Gibson and dog food. I’ve always dreamed of this.”
“It’s hard to create a truly bad printing configuration, but you may find the following rules helpful.”
“Psychosomatic creativity! Ingenious!”
“The motto of the place is ‘Knowledge in pursuit of excellence.’
Not truth, not beauty, not art or science. Just excellence.”
“Since I have only received 4 replies as of today I must assume I did not post to a wide enough variety of groups. Here it is reposted for all.”
“Attention everybody! Rules state that occupancy by more than one (1) reality at a time is dangerous and unlawful!”
“I don’t like his filed teeth and his watery, yellow eyeballs!”
“You can’t even see his face from here!”
“I don’t like his belligerent elbows, his threatening ear-backs!”
“Relax; you’re in better hands than you should be.”
The mark is not set now.