“No, no, you’re supposed to hit Xenia!”

Got texts this morning from hometown family members, reporting all-is-well from the Dayton-area ‘tornado outbreak’.

Dear Amazon,

There is no way to report a delivery failure on your web site. Your so-called help page, Find a missing package that shows as delivered basically says “look around, maybe it will turn up”, and “wait 36 hours, just in case”.

What it does not say is what to do after 36 hours.

I had three packages scheduled for delivery on Sunday. Two of them were oversized, and were brought to my front door, at precisely the time recorded on the USPS tracking page. The third, purportedly delivered at the same time into the locked mailbox across the street, wasn’t there.

The USPS web site has a form for reporting missing packages, but it only promises that they’ll respond to the ticket in a few days. And, sure enough, all I got was a voicemail saying “hey, our driver scanned it as delivered into your mailbox, so if you don’t see it, tell Amazon it was lost”. He left a callback number, but didn’t answer, and his voicemail is full. No surprise there.

Going back to the Amazon help page, it turns out that if you scroll down from the useless help message and redundant video, there’s a ‘Contact Us’ button that opens a chat session with someone in India. He didn’t seem surprised to learn that USPS lost a package, refunded it, and threw in an extra $5 for the inconvenience.

I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that it ended up in someone else’s mailbox, but because people do things like go to work, I can’t just go door-to-door asking about it and expect results. Nothing expensive or time-critical, just Yet Another Reason I wish Amazon didn’t use USPS.

Identifying as a liberal arts major…

“They told us we’d never use math after graduation, so I didn’t learn any.”


In reality, not many stories have 25 fully-fleshed-out characters in the first place, but in the ones that do, they’re generally too busy being part of the story to wave their diversity checkboxes in your face.

Unless the writer sucks, of course.


In fairness, this is a teenager, so he still has a chance to avoid a future in Tumblr’s SJW Vortex.

Life lessons…

From work: documentation-based performance analysis is adorable. You just want to reach through the Internet and start bitchslapping.

From home: somehow I got the impression that progressives were better than bifocals. I should have known that anything called “progressive” would have focus issues.

CNN says…

3 eggs per week will kill you. Based on their track record of accuracy on any subject, I’m heading to Costco to buy several dozen, so I can eat three a day and live forever.

Dear Military Police,

When you’re through detaining them, drop them off on the other side of the border. Clearly they don’t like it here.

Since this is Texas, I’m guessing that the next time a masked gang enters the museum, there will be a more direct response.

Learn to CODEC…

I think journalists are offended by “learn to code” because they’re too busy showing off their mastery of CODEC: Crying Over Dead-End Careers.

Toxoplasmosis Masculinus

Dumas was limping a bit when I went out to the porch this morning, so I started to give him a lecture about toxic masculinity and how violence never solved anything, and he gave me a look that said,

“Dude, it got me laid last night; now open the damn cat food.”