I hate Christmas songs, which means I haven’t gone into a store without earplugs since October. Usually I counter with A Very Scary Solstice, carols by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society.

But sometimes I accidentally hear “the real thing”, and am forced to invent replacement lyrics to guard my soul.

Ruby the red-haired schoolgirl
liked to put on live cam shows.
Men all over the planet
paid to watch her strip and pose.

All of the other schoolgirls,
jealous of her pricy clothes,
bought webcams and lace undies,
to put on their own smut shows.

Then their web sites got shut down,
by the new DA.
Ruby’s stayed online because
she let him go all the way.

Now she’s working for Hustler,
making thirty vids a year.
She’ll be retired by 20,
married to a financier!

538 ranks Halloween candy, and I call chocolate-covered bullshit. Rolo, Krackel, Junior Mints, and Haribo Gold-Bears all beat Baby Ruth, and Bit-O-Honey didn’t even make the cut. I blame the DNC and Hillary’s campaign for funding this transparently absurd attempt to defame honorable American candies.

In other news, the staff of 538 has way too much time on their hands, and way too little legitimate data to crunch.

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I wonder if I can get these shipped to the nearest Whole Foods now…

50,000 Rubber Ducks, ￥2,500,000

500-gram gold bar, ￥3,230,238

472cm brachiosaurus figure, ￥2,268,000

29-year-old Saki Suzuki 鈴木咲 shows off her melonpan.

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Even without big pastries, she’s competitive in a bikini. Surprisingly, while she’s been modeling since she was 16, she didn’t get a solo photobook until two years ago. Fortunately there are half a dozen cheesecake DVDs documenting her lively personality, pretty face, and sleek body.

Update

Just noticed that her blog profile says “palm-sized A-cups”, a more literal than usual application of the term “hand bra”. And a nice change from the anime “A-cup angst” trope. It’s practically a catchphrase for her, as seen here on video.

#1: Ultra-Gal

Other available modes: Ultra-Widow, Ultra-Stepmom, Ultra-Friend’s-Mom.

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Update

Original artist is syoujinigou. There are more of them.

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