Dear Amazon

Dear Amazon,


Dear Amazon Japan,

Please don’t send me the “complete your collection!” email for something when you haven’t yet shipped out the first items in the set. In particular, when I’m waiting for you to ship volumes 1 and 2 of a series, don’t send email about volumes 10 through 15.

Dear Amazon,

I am only interested in women’s dresses as gift wrap. I don’t want to buy any, thanks.

Amazon Dressup

Dear Amazon,

I’m just not seeing the connection here.

Amazon Shower Fail

Dear Amazon,

Seriously, where are you getting these associations?

Pyrex Babydoll

Dear Amazon,

You’re not fooling anybody, you know.

"Because you bought a pocket tripod, we think you'll be interested in a protective case for Kindle 2. Oh, and because you said you owned VMware Fusion, we're sure you'll like this leather cover for Kindle 2. And now that you've bought that new electric toothbrush, isn't it time to order Kindle 2?"

Dear Amazon Japan,

I don’t care what I’ve bought from you in the past, just trust me on this one: I am not interested in purchasing a comic book with the title 「ぶっ☆かけ 3」. Don’t ask, don’t offer. Do. Not. Want.

[Update 4/12: I hadn’t even noticed at the time, but this series is from the mangaka responsible for Eiken, which only increases my lack of interest…]

Dear Amazon Associates Program,

Report-processing FAIL:

You are receiving this email because our reports indicate that you have sent users directly to, or through paid search advertisements that were displayed to users who searched on keywords which you bid upon and purchased in search engine keyword auctions.

Um, no, I haven’t. It would never have occurred to me to try, and I wouldn’t have expected it to work very well. Did you maybe get your report query backwards and send this to all the associates who didn’t pull this trick? Or just to everyone, on the assumption that 94.72% will just ignore it?

“Need a clue, take a clue,
 got a clue, leave a clue”