Several campaign officials and advisers say they recognize the need to have an “adult” traveling with the candidate—as one put it, “someone who can tell him to shut up, or change something if and when that is necessary”…

— Kerry's handlers get candid

Fat Albert. The Movie.

No, really. I can say no more.

I can’t top this headline

Man tries to convert lions to Jesus, gets bitten

And I absolutely love the picture.

Poll nonsense

Despite the manifest failure of the pollsters to predict the result of yesterday’s election with any accuracy, today’s news is still filled with poll-fueled “explanations” of Bush’s victory.

I was never polled. There were no exit pollsters present at my designated voting location. There were also no monitors, observers, challengers, organizers, protesters, reporters, etc, etc. Just voters.

So, before you start believing the conclusions of the same pundits who were dead wrong yesterday, consider this Bush voter:

  • Native Ohioan, current Californian.
  • Age 37.
  • Single.
  • Straight.
  • Atheist.
  • Vaguely white (Native American, but never cared enough to fill out the required paperwork; also Polish, French, German, English, Irish, etc).
  • Speaks some French and German, currently learning Japanese, lives in largely Spanish-speaking community.
  • College-educated.
  • Employed, earning over $100,000/year.
  • Rode out the tech bubble just fine, thanks.
  • Fiscally conservative.
  • Believes in absolute equality of opportunity for all.
  • Strongly supports war in Iraq.
  • Strongly opposed previous war in Iraq.
  • Frequent Libertarian voter.
  • Voted for Schwarzenegger.
  • Homeowner.
  • Telecommuter.
  • Pro-gay.
  • Pro-gun.
  • Pro-choice.
  • Pro-drug-legalization.
  • Pro-America.
  • Pro-immigrant.
  • Pro-diversity.
  • Pro-environment.
  • Anti-ecoterrorist.
  • Pro-animal.
  • Anti-PETA.
  • Pro-hunting.
  • Non-hunter.
  • Passionately despises cigarette smoke.
  • Pro-smoker's-rights.
  • Pro-tort-reform.
  • Motorcycle rider.
  • Pin-up photographer.
  • Adult products consumer.
  • Habitual reader.
  • SF fan.
  • Anime fan.
  • Comics fan.
  • Music fan.
  • Music purchaser.
  • iPod owner.
  • Mac user.
  • PC user.
  • Gamer.
  • Poker player.
  • Casino gambler.
  • Dislikes beer and wine.
  • Collects single-malt scotch.
  • Enjoys cooking.
  • Eats red meat.
  • Dislikes organized sports.
  • Hosts Superbowl party every year.
  • Always carries a pocket knife.
  • Always carries a Zippo.
  • Has been on Internet since the Eighties.
  • Goes barefoot or wears sandals whenever possible.
  • Does not own a suit.
  • Has not worn a suit in twelve years.
  • Has shared breakfast with Hugh Hefner, at the Playboy Mansion.
  • Doesn't much care for kids, but gives away Halloween candy by the half-pound to every little monster who stops by.
  • Will drive 1,000 miles in a single day rather than take a plane, out of disgust for current airport "security" policies.

Kerry/Edwards never had a chance at my vote.

Now, Zell on the other hand…

Kerry in Ohio?

Kerry and Edwards are determined to go down swinging, but down they’re going. Setting aside the inevitable frivolous lawsuits, their hopes are pinned on winning Ohio’s electoral votes, because they’ve already lost the popular vote.

Unfortunately, as of 5:09 AM EST, the vote stands at 2,791,912 for Bush and 2,653,046 for Kerry. That’s a lead of 138,866, with a projected 175,000 provisional ballots that won’t be counted until 11 days from now. Assuming that all of those ballots survive the inevitable challenge, Kerry needs to win 156,933 of them to tie in Ohio. That’s 90% of the expected new voters, just to muddy the results enough to make for a plausible lawsuit, and only if they’re all upheld as valid (which is highly unlikely).

Update: he’s toast. The official count of provisional ballots issued is 135,149, which is smaller than Bush’s final lead. It’s over, and the winner has a clear majority in both the popular and electoral votes.

Update: Highest nationwide voter turnout since 1968, first candidate to win a majority of the popular vote since 1988, and otherwise rational people are still saying things like “225 years is a pretty good run for a republic, historically speaking”. And that’s one of the saner sore losers I’ve seen today.

Sex in the workplace

The admin for our group just sent out email with the following subject line:

rack up for grabs

I think I’d get fired if I responded with the first thing that came to mind…

I love the suburbs

Just got back from voting. I had a 45-minute wait as the 30 or so people ahead of me in line deciphered the new connect-the-arrows ballots, but that gave me plenty of time to look over my fellow citizens, and I liked what I saw. Blue collar. Veterans. Parents.

And not a single parasitic “observer”. Just us citizens, exercising the franchise.

All the other kids are doing it…

My official endorsement for President: Bush.

Why? Because the small percentage of his enemies, foreign and domestic, who are not already batshit insane will become so should he win decisively.

There are all sorts of things I dislike about Bush, particularly his domestic policies and the over-hyped but still real abuses committed in the name of “Homeland Security” (even though Gore would have done exactly the same had he won), but when it comes to foreign policy, there’s no contest. Bush has one, Kerry has none.

Little monsters

Not a bad night for trick-or-treaters. 60 degrees and clear skies brought nearly twice as many kids to my house as last year, so I went through about 35 pounds of candy. I’ll try not to eat the remaining 15 pounds of the stuff myself.

Update: dumped the leftover candy in the breakroom at work. It’s all gone now.