I hate Christmas songs, which means I haven’t gone into a store without earplugs since October. Usually I counter with A Very Scary Solstice, carols by the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society.

But sometimes I accidentally hear “the real thing”, and am forced to invent replacement lyrics to guard my soul.

Ruby the red-haired schoolgirl
liked to put on live cam shows.
Men all over the planet
paid to watch her strip and pose.

All of the other schoolgirls,
jealous of her pricy clothes,
bought webcams and lace undies,
to put on their own smut shows.

Then their web sites got shut down,
by the new DA.
Ruby’s stayed online because
she let him go all the way.

Now she’s working for Hustler,
making thirty vids a year.
She’ll be retired by 20,
married to a financier!

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