Meet The Disfunctionals

Warning: this post is pure self-indulgence, being a gallery of my Champions Online character designs and the backstory I’ve come up with for each of them. It’s not on par with Shamus’s efforts, either serious or silly (parts 1, 2, 3, 4), but what it lacks in prose style, it makes up in… well, nothing, really.

Many pictures follow, each linked to an expanded view of the costume.

Champions Online - EVA

9-year-old Billy stumbled across a crashed spaceship. Seeing a woman’s spacesuited body in the flaming wreckage, he raced to her side and dragged her to safety. The warm softness of the strange metal fed his fantasies of rescuing a beautiful alien princess, so when he removed the helmet and found a hideous, bloodthirsty monster inside, he beat it to death with a stick and kept the suit for himself.

Two years later, he’s figured out how to control its armor and weapons, and now he throws himself into battle against mutants and zombies to keep his mind off of the uncomfortable realization that wearing it makes him feel pretty.

Battle cry: “Stop looking at my boobs!”

Tag line: “These boobs are like, wow soft!”

[this costume is about 4’9”; if I were to take the backstory seriously, I’d make it a bit taller]

The Cybernetic Librarian
Champions Online - The Cybernetic Librarian

A perfectly ordinary university librarian until the day she stumbled across a musty tome of ancient magics, sealed with eldritch runes. Not realizing the danger, she attempted to open the book, and the resulting explosion destroyed most of her body. The university’s experimental cybernetics research group built her a replacement, but she’s determined to restore her lost humanity, and has devoted her considerable intellect to mastering the dark arts.

[The randomizer threw up a librarian head and a robot arm; I liked the concept, and ended up replacing pretty much everything else. I originally selected the Teleport travel power, since it had the best “magical” effect to match her sorcerous powers, but it became a real pain in the ass for long-distance travel and hunting for quest mobs. I’ve ended up giving everyone one of the real Flight powers, regardless of concept.]

Assistant Professor Sanders
Champions Online - Assistant Professor Sanders

Currently passing himself off as a hero, Sanders is not only a villain at heart, he’s personally responsible for the “accident” that destroyed The Cybernetic Librarian’s body. After she rejected his creepy advances and filed a formal complaint with the administration, he put an explosive rune on a phony tome and hid it in the rare books room where she was sure to find it.

She’ll discover the truth at level 25, and make him her Nemesis!

[Being able to design your own arch-enemy may be one of the coolest ideas in the game.]

Battle cry: “For tenure! And submissive female grad students!”

Reformed Space Pirate
Champions Online - Reformed Space Pirate

Not so much reformed as “hiding out on Earth until the heat’s off”, he’s taken up heroing as a way to make money and meet women. He’s a technofetishist, and soon after his arrival he made a pass at EVA, thoroughly creeping out little Billy. These days he’s dating The Cybernetic Librarian, and hoping she doesn’t find out that he’s only interested in her for her artificial body.

Tag line: “Hey, are those real? They are? Damn.”

[I really like the way this came out, especially since the Telekinesis power set gives you a force sword to swing around when you’re not lobbing energy blasts.]

Champions Online - Overcompensator

It was supposed to be the first of a new generation of armored battle suits for the Army, but one of the contractors botched a unit conversion, and the only person who could fit into the 5-foot-tall prototype was intern Sally Wong, who despite her three master’s degrees had always been denied any responsibility greater than fetching coffee and donuts. During the suit’s one and only live test, her determination to prove herself resulted in over thirty million dollars of accidental damage.

Battle cry: “Because I’m BETTER than you!”

[I wanted a short, chunky Iron Man clone. I’m tempted to give him thoroughly inappropriate powers, just to mess with people. Maybe Martial Arts or Dual Swords. Changing the name to Engineering Intern Sally would be icing on the cake.]

Alien Bounty Hunter
Champions Online - Alien Bounty Hunter

[Despite appearances, these are not the largest breasts available in the game.]

One of the many jilted girlfriends dumped by Reformed Space Pirate for being too “organic” in the sack, she’s eager to track him down for some payback.

[Hot Alien Babe is one of the easiest types to create in the game; this one was about half-randomizer, with lots of cleanup and color changes.]

Crusher Jill
Champions Online - Crusher Jill

[now these are the largest breasts in the game…]

A leggy, busty catgirl inexplicably granted the immense strength and resilience usually associated with radioactive mutants, Jill revels in her power, enjoying the look on what’s left of a villain’s face after he’s underestimated her.

Loves dating, but doesn’t understand why no one ever goes out with her more than once.

Battle cry: “Jill SMASH!”

[I’m having a blast with Jill. A sexy catgirl with The Incredible Hulk’s powers? Pure win. As an added bonus, I will swear on a stack of graphic novels that I didn’t plan the in-flight view.]

[Update: new costume at level 15, Mighty Jill]

Champions Online - RoboBunny

A lonely genius decided to build the perfect robot girlfriend. Unfortunately, he gave her free will, and was heartbroken when she decided that he just wasn’t her type. It’s not that she doesn’t like him, it’s just that, well, he’s too nice a guy; she thinks she’d rather go out with someone more… unpredictable.

Tag line: “I knew he wasn’t a real doctor.”

[a no-prize to the first person who identifies the source of those lines…]