The folks at 10gen asked me if I’d be interested in submitting a proposal for a session on MongoDB at the upcoming Web 2.0 Expo in San Francisco. Sadly, they suggested this less than two weeks before the deadline, leaving me little time to record a sample video of my legendary public-speaking skills.

[note: last displayed in Nineteen-Ninety-Something to an auditorium full of HP engineers who wanted a from-the-trenches report on implementing SAP]

I certainly have the gear to make a quick video, and I could have knocked something decent together over the weekend, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that while I wanted to talk about their product, I really didn’t want to be in front of a room full of bleeding-edge fucktard web developers. A while back, I said:

"All contract web developers are bling-happy assclowns with no concept of revision control or release management, who think 1,000 is a large number."

Upon reflection, I think this doesn’t go far enough. More and more, I see web sites that abuse the functional value of “web 2.0” technologies to put lipstick on a pig and rent her out for bacon-scented gang-bangs. Usability? Accessibility? Searchability? Standard navigation methods? “Fuck that, let’s break the rules and show everyone how cool we are! Tweet me if you’re in!”

I simply couldn’t imagine a web conference in San Francisco not being full of people I’d rather punch than talk to, all extreme and agile and oblivious, like the many who add layer upon layer of caching to compensate for their shoddy Rails code. For them, and others like them, I propose a new label, to properly reflect their approach to design and implementation: