Ryan L. Y. Frazier's
Top 10 lists of Rokugan
This file is reproduced with Ryan's permission after having been posted on the L5RInfo listserv.
Kitsu Sei is making an effort to keep this updated, so contact her if you have lists she's missing.
Subject: The L5R Top 10: 10/17/97
The Deputy Assistant Undersecertary to the Imperial Scribe has had a _very_ busy week filling out travel visas for members of the broken Phoenix clan (a couple of Unicorn samurai have been asking for visas too, but Toturi has decreed that Unicorns don't need any special permission to leave.)The Phoenix, a shattered clan, are headed for the Barbarian lands to lick their wounds and find rebirth. But what will they find in that place of Burning Sands and strange magic? Gazing into the seeming chaos of his inbox, Kiari catches glimpses of what is to come.
This Week: The Top Ten Surprises in the Legend of the Burning Sands
10. Unintentionally insulting psudo-arabic names cause the entire arab world to declare that Dave Williams is "the Great Satan."
9. Cavalry's not that big an advantage there either.
8. The barbarian lands are infested by pesky "investigators" and their "allies." When the Phoenix appear on the scene, they begin asking pointed questions about Fu Leng, making specific reference to a mystical book they believe he either wrote or owned. Thankfully they soon wander off and find something to be eaten by.
7. Turns out WotC bought FRPG just so they could finally put all of those Djinns in a worthwhile storyline.
6. Magic/LBS crossover ends poorly after an icy manipulator "taps" Shiba Tsukene causing her to go postal and destroy all the "white weenies" nearby.
5. Too many bad "BS" jokes force FRPG to change the game's name to Legend of the Steamy Desert. This too is eventually rejected after tons of angry letters from disappointed xXxenophile players. The design team finally settles on Legend of the Big Beach, at which point Elvis and Annette Funachelo cards are produced. To FRPG's chagrin, sales begin to improve.
4. The Phoenix discover the _real_ Unicorn clan champion, held captive in a barbarian dungeon. Turns out Shinjo Yokatsu is actually a dummy. No, really.
3. Barbarian wisemen reveal that "the Phoenix must be Reborn" actually means "oops, overcorrection."
2. A proposed Rage crossover is rendered mostly ineffective when the hair-covered wolves pass out from heatstroke.
And the Number One Surprise in Legend of the Burning Sands is:
1. FRPG's staff finally spreads themselves so thin they become completely transparent. This makes Gencon '98 a little confusing.
The Top Ten was written by Ryan Frazier
Next Week: Changes to L5R under WotC (hopefully...still waiting for more input)
Subject: L5R Top 10 for 10/8/97
This Week: Changes to the Rokugan under Toturi.
Who knows what the future holds for our beloved empire? The Phoenix have been decimated, the Hantai line is ended, there is a new Great Clan, and for the first time in a thousand years, a new Imperial Family is on the throne. What lies ahead is murky and uncertain.
Only one man (Hitomi just _looks_ like a man) can divine the future. Through his mastery of the arcane sixth ring of paperwork, Naka Kiari, the Deputy Assistant Undersecretary to the Imperial Scribe, can gaze into the seeming chaotic mass of mail in his inbox and catch glimpses of the world that is yet to come.
10. Toturi's first decree: _nobody_ reads "the prophecies of Ukki."
9. Cheap Naga goods sold through the black market cause Rokogun's economy to plummet.
8. Difficult union negotiations during the cleanup at Otosan Uchi end with Toturi elevating the Dung Beetle Clan to Great Clan status.
7. Kikita Toshimoko figures out that he looks ridiculous in armor and starts wearing "the Emerald Bathrobe" instead.
6. Once the minor clans are back in their ordinary positions in society, Toturi sends Yoritomo a message pointing out that without him his armies couldn't find their way out of a burning building. This message is delivered by the "Speedy Kolat Delivery Service: We Can Tell You, But Then We Have To...Well, You'll See." Yoritomo sees.
5. Iuchi Daiu realizes he's been wearing a very unattractive rubber mask for the last year or so.
4. The Unicorn Clan takes a little nap. Yes, again.
3. The Flying Moto Brothers Circus begins touring Rokogun and is a big hit until it comes to light that the sign saying "this way to the great egress" leads to a room containing the rather hungry Oni no Egress.
2. Toturi must rally his forces to stand of Rokogun's most dangerous invasion yet, a hostile takeover bid by Disney Inc. And the #1 change to the empire under Toturi is:
1. Toturi is about to make a pretty woman of the newly rehonored Scorpion Clan his wife, but a mysterious dark skinned stranger councils him against it. Listening to the words of the wise Gaijin sage, Toturi gets an er...less attractive girl of the Crab Clan (Hida O-Ushi) to marry him. True to the man's predictions, he is happy for the rest of his life. The servants find him the morning after their honeymoon, dead of exhaustion with a _huge_ smile on his face.
The Top Ten is written by Ryan Frazier with help from J. L. Robert.
Next week: changes to L5R due to the WotC buy-out.
Subject: L5R Top Ten for 10/2/97
This week: The Top Ten Suprises in the Scorpion Clan Coup
Well, the SC Coup set should be hitting stores in the (relatively) near future, and all of us non-playtesters are waiting with baited breath to see what shocking revelations it will contain. Through his mastery of the mysterious Sixth Ring of Paperwork, the Assistant Deputy Undersecretary to the Imperial Scribe, Naka Kiari, has brought forth these revelations as to it's contents.
10. The previous Emerald Champion's downfall? Bad sushi.
9. The real reason Kisada didn't back Shoju at the Battle of Otosan Uchi? One too many cracks about the helmet from Goshiu.
8. The Unicorn Clan returns from the barbarian north after 1000 years of self-imposed exile. A shocked empire responds "so _that's_ where our mail's been."
7. Inexperienced Bayushi Kachiko _still_ pretty darn experienced.
6. Turns out if Shoju had turned the scroll over he would have noticed that the other side read, "Of course, when I say the Hantai Emperor will cause the return of Fu Leng, I mean the Hantai who will become Emperor if you Scorpions attack the castle and kill guy who's on the throne now, so don't do it, ok?"
5. The real reason Otosan Uchi was so easy to take? The Hantai Emperors have been marrying Cranes for forty generations. "Nuf said.
4. Turns out Toturi and BK planned this whole thing.
3. What really started the Lion/Crane border battle that distracted the Lion armies while Scorpion forces attacked Otosan Uchi? Matsu Gohei started spending time at court and became enamored with what he thought was a maiden of the Crane Clan. The young Lion samurai got *really* upset when he found out he'd been hitting on Kikita Yoshi for two weeks.
2. Why'd Kage go Kolat? The babes.
And the Number One Suprise in the SC Coup is:
1. "Toturi's geshia?" "Toturi in drag" is more like it.
Subject: L5R Top Ten for 9/22/97
This Week: Minor clan personalities that didn't make the cut.
After seeing some of the personalities he ended up with, you might think Yoritomo was pretty much scraping the bottom of the barrel. You'd be wrong. There were a couple of folks that showed up, only to be sent packing by The Son of Storms.
10. Meiki - Yak Clan seductress
Art: a rather large, hairy woman in a skimpy outfit.
0/1/-/3/0
R: Bow Meiki as part of the Saki Works' ability to bow a personality. That personality becomes dishonored."I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I've woken up with a few!"
-Alhundro Cornejo
9. Gru - Wanderer - Unique
Art: Siero Agnew. 'nuf said.
5/5/-/0/0
Gru be assigned to attack, defend, or challenge. Gru cannot be moved into a battle except by his trait. If, at the resolution phase of a battle, you have more force than your opponent, Gru automatically unbows (if necessary) and moves himself into the battle. The battle is automatically a tie and neither side can gain honor. Gru survives.
L: Bow two of your personalities and pay ten gold to put give Gru to another player."A fray!"
8. Usagi Taso - Rabbit Clan Samurai - Cavalry
2/2/0/4/2
Art: a pale, nervous Samurai on a very fast horse
If Taso is in a battle in which the opposing side uses fear, he returns home, bowed."'Twas a very plain case... we came last in the fight but were first in the race."
-from the Rabbit Clan anthem
7. Kato - Leech Clan Storyteller - Unique
0/1/0/2/2
Art: A long-haired man in fine robes lounges in his master's house.
Will not join Scorpion clan.
While Kato is under your control, all honor losses caused by your cards are doubled.
L: Bow Kato to negate a political action. Lose 5 honor."Some houseguests are more trouble than they're worth."
-Ohjae
6. Koko - Monkey Clan Executioner
0/2/0/2/0
Art: A black-robed figure, nervously fingering an axe.
L: Discard the Imperial Favor and bow Koko to condemn a personality to death. Bow that personality. During that player's next straighten phase, Koko must admit that he doesn't know how to execute anyone. He becomes dishonored and that personality gains 1 PH permenantly.5. Deaki - Dog Clan Hunter
2/4/-/8/1
Art: a brown-robed man with an orange tunic. A psychotic gleam is in his eye.
L: Bow Deaki. Chose a personality that Deaki offers to take hunting with him. If that personality is controled by another person, its controller must chose to accept Deaki's offer. Turn over your top fate card and discard it. If it's value is even, Deaki's hunt is sucessful, and the targeted personality gains a +2/+2 ego boost until the begining of its controller's turn two turns from now. If it's value is odd, there's a hunting accident and the targeted personality recieves a -3 chi token."I swear, he looked just like a deer."
4. Matiko - Mantis Clan Seductress - Unique
Art: a _very_ attractive woman in revealing green robes sitting at the dinner table.
0/2/-/9/1
L: Bow Matiko to have her marry any 0 or 1 PH personality. This intiates a duel that cannot be refused. Matiko has +4 chi for such an action. Weapons and items give no bonuses to either personality for this duel. Lose 4 honor."Darling, you look positively _delicious_ tonight."
3. Voda - Sloth Clan Samurai
Art: A very old, but rather large samurai leaning heavily on his sword.
7/2/0/4/2
Voda assigns first, period. In fact, he assigns so first, that you've got to commit him to a battle two turns in advance to even get him to show up.
2. Kasaki - Mantis Clan Brewmaster
2/2/-/4/1
While Kasaki is in play, add four to the gold production of all your Saki Works. Unfortunately, you must bow all the personalities you control with less then 2 PH when Kasaki enters play and they may not straiten if he is in play.And the Number One Personality Rejected by Yoritomo is:
1. Shinjo Yokatsu
"Uni-what? Aren't you the guy who delivers my mail?"
-Yoritomo
Subject: L5R Top 10: 5/21/97
The Legend of the Five Rings Top Ten List Presents:
The Top Ten Rejected Unique Items 10. The Staff of Shinsei +1/+1/4/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Monk
L: Bow this personality to cause all Pheonix players to lose 3 honor for every ring you have out that they do not.
-"Where you failed, we succeed."9. The Ancestrial Hankies of the Lion +0/+0/3/4
Unique - May only be attached to Lion Clan personaltiy
L: Whenever any card seems to consistantly stop you from wining, whine pitiously. A counter card will be generated in the next expansion.
R: Bow to silence any player who points out that Lion wins more then it's share of tournies as it is.
-"Bu..bu..bu...breech keeps me from wu...wu...winning on turn three every game! *sniff*"8. The Helm of Hubris +3/+3/4/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Crab Personality
While this card is attached to a personality you control, you must talk in as deep a voice you can manage. Try to say things like "you cannot imagine the power of the Dar...er, shadowlands."
-"All too easy, young Samurai."7. The Crub of the Crane Cran +2/+1/4/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Crane Personality. This card transformes this personarity from a "finesse" personarity to a "brunt trauma" personarity. He roses any special abirities, and his traits are replaced by the trait "Crane Cran Samurai." His personal Honor becomes 3.
-"Screw dipromacy. Ret's kick some @$$"6. The Welcome Mat of the Dragon 0/0/4/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Dragon Personality While this card is in play, all Dragon clan personalities cost you 2 less gold. Unfortunately, any no account relative with a useless ability can (and almost certainly will) join your clan.
-"How else can you explain it?"5. The Knife of the Knaga 0/0/4/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Naga personaltiy Cut up your stronghold card. Mail the pieces to FRPG. Play Nagacorn.
-"Someday, our rewrite will come."4. The Perfume of the Phoenix 0/0/3/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Phoenix Personality.
L: Bow to cover the foul stench of the Shadowlands that fills your stronghold. This allows you to win on honor, even though you are basically in leauge with the Ultimate Evil.
-"Ichor? What ichor?"3. Toturi's Bandana 0/0/3/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Toturi's Army personality. While this card is in play, all bandit cards cost you two less gold.
-"Once he took over Rogokun's black markets it was only a matter of time."2. War Banner of the Mantis Clan +1/+1/4/4
Unique - May only be attached to a Mantis Clan Personaltiy. All Manits followers attached to Yortiomo's Alliance personalities gain +1 Force.
-"Maybe we're TOO mercenary..."And the #1 rejected Unique Item is:
1. The Platform Geta (slippers) of the Unicorn +4/+4/5/4 Unique - May be only be attached to a Unicorn Clan Samurai
-"Finally, a big personality."Next week: Rejected Flavor Text
The L5R top 10 was brought to you by Ryan Frazier & Ryan Kishida with suggestions by Joey Lee and J. R. Roberts.
Subject: L5R Top 10: 5/15/97
The Legend of the Five Rings Top Ten List Presents:
The Top Ten Reasons Otako Kamoko can't attach Ancestors. 10. The Ancestial Spirits are still annoyed that she lost her "Battle Maiden" status by "riding with Toturi."
-There's more then ONE reason they call him "The Wolf"9. Shiryo no Otaku's busy trying to get Baiken to "get out of the classroom and onto the field."
-"...and what are you doing with that Testubo!?!"8. The Brothers Tsume stole the Ancestors' spirit horses.
-Too bad Moto never got the knack of riding them...7. The Ancestors are from a more conservative time. They think that Kamoko should "find a nice Samurai and settle down."
-"and it wouldn't kill you too dress up a little, either."6. The Unicorn Clan Ancestors were buried somewhere in the barbarian lands. Unfortunately, even after death, some people refuse to ask for directions.
-"Didn't we just pass that carin?" "Shut up!"5. Shiryo no Otaku's too busy trying to comfort Kojiro.
-"Baltazar! It's Baltazar!"4. A bad leapfrog experience (he STILL can't sit down) in a past life makes Shiryo no Shinjo a little nervous around her Unicorn.
-Ouch.2. The Ancestors are too busy shouting "do something, darn it!" at Shinjo Yokatsu.
-So far, all he's done is say "hmmm?"And the number one reason Unicorn Ancestors won't attach to Otaku Kamoko is:
1. Well, Unicorn's so powerful already
and they win so regualrly in tournament play (choke) that to make their (snicker) best personality even better would (cough) be (snicker) too (choke) unbalanceing. (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!)
-Sorry.
Next week: The Top 10 rejected unique items The L5R Top 10 for 5/6/97: The Top Ten Yatsuki Taka Quotes
10. They say that once you flip a Crab on it's back, it's helpless. Boy are they wrong.
-Taka after his first (and last) date with Hida O-Ushi9. No, no, mi'lord, I'm not not investing in oxen. Trust me, these little trinkets are very valueable to Gaijin Shugenja.
-Taka, explaining his recent purchaces to a skeptical Hida Kisada8. Hey, beautiful, it's no big deal, I don't care if your Sensei's a Kolat. Have another saki on me.
-The real reason Tsuko missed Kisada's last charge.7. Wadda ya mean, "conflict of interest?"
-Taka on his endorsement of the L5R RPG.6. Come on; I know a Saki Works where Unicorn Battle Maidens who have just been dishonored hang out.
-Taka to Togashi Mitsu5. OK, Hotori, one more game, double or nothing. I win, I get the sword.
-Moments later, Doji Hoturi would add a new name to his "kill on sight" list.4. Kachiko, baby, you really harden my carapice. Wanna go back to my quarters? I'll show you my tattoo if you'll show me yours.
-The real reason Taka's no longer allowed to go to the imperial palace and lobby for the favor.3. Sure, maybe you and Daikoku do more for your lords, but remember, I'm a Scorpion. Do you know how much Kachiko's paying me?
-Yogo Ichiban to Yatsuki Taka2. Look, babe, it's like this. Either make me another No-Dachi, or my big brother, the Master of the Whip is comin' over ta' pay ya a little visit.
-How Taka unbows retainersAnd the number one Yatsuki Taka quote is:
1. Would you rather have the rice from the Small Farms, or what the Merchant Caravan is bringing home in the box.
You chose the box! And what is in the box? Nothing! So stupid!
-A disappointing trade for the Master Smith of the Crab ClanNext week: Top 10 reasons Otaku Kamoko can't attach Ancestors
8 Apr 1997
This is meant to be funny. If you feel that it might bother you, please don't read it. I know some people take this game pretty seriously. :)This is a "special" installment of the Top 10 in honor of the forthcoming release of Crimson and Jade. Next time we'll do the promised "Why Chicks Dig Fu' Leng."
The Top 10 Suprises in C&J
10. A bedridden Hida Kisada confesses that he was Toturi's geshia.
9. Doom of Junzo's Army turns out to be an event forcing you to play a multiplayer game that includes at least one Dragon player.
8. The real reason Tsuko committed sepuku? Her failed relationship with Alhundro.
7. The Hooded Ronin draws back his hood to reveal...he's got REALLY bad acne.
6. Isawa Tsuke goes berzerk at the Burger King where he now works. "Do you want fries with that?" takes on a whole new meaning.
5. Moto Tsume realizes that riding his "ghost horse" is actually about the same as walking.
4. Shakashar discovers that his new Pearl-Encrusted Staff has a "Made in Hong Kong" sticker on it's base.
3. The Naga/Unicorn alliance becomes official. Now, both clans can be ignored by the storyline at the same time.
2. More-enlightened-than-thou monks cause thousands of Rogokunians to convert to the recently formed "Church of Toku."And the number one suprise in C&J is:
1. Yorimoto's Alliance destoryed after they reveal to the Great Clans their slogan is "show me the money!"
Next time: Why Chicks Dig Fu' Leng
4/7/97
The Top Ten Rejected Black Scroll Ideas:
(all are unique and would attach a corruption token, natch)10. The Ruinous Haircut of Fu' Leng: 8/3 O: Bow this Shugenja, target personality gains a -1 PH token.
"Don't cut it again, it'll just get worse..."9. Rampant Paranoia: 0/3 B: Bow this shugenja. All personalties you control in the current battle gain the ability Fear: 1
"When in worry or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."8. Mad Sacrifice: 0/4 B: Bow this Shugenja. Physically destroy any one rare card you own currently in play to add +4 force to any personality you control.
"I've found a task for you, Gaijin..."7. The Changing Histories of Ukki: 8/3 L: Bow and destroy this shugenja to retroactivly negate any event that has occured up to this point and all it's effects. If total chaos results, declare yourself victor. Duck.
"But that's not what REALLY happened."6. Embarassing Rash under the Codpiece: 0/3 O: Bow this shugenja. Bow any personaltiy with more than 3 personal honor. This personality is dishonored and it's temporary personal honor is reduced to 1.
"Not so holier than thou now, are you?"5. Awful Experience: 8/4 L: Bow this shugenja. Choose a personality who gains the trait experienced. This card cannot be experienced normally. You may remove a corruption token if you target a dragon personality.
"Hey, where's my wallet?"4. Mutation: 4/3 L: Bow this shugenja to permenently switch the honor requirement and gold cost of any follower in play.
"Don't think about it, you'll hurt your head."3. Death Spiral: 0/3 Attach one -1C corruption token to this personality when you attach this spell. This token can never be moved or destroyed. O: bow this shugenja to add four -1C corruption tokens to any personality with corruption tokens.
"Bwahahahahahah!"2. Abusive combo of Fu Leng: 0/3 R: Bow this card if any player uses the words Kikita Shijin and Sacrificial Altar in the same sentance. Smack them.
"Now THAT's honorable"And the number one rejected Black Scroll is:
1. Smoking Crater: 8/3 L: Destroy all of your provinces. Choose a number of provinces belonging to other players equal to the number you destoryed of your own provinces. These provinces are destroyed. You may perform this action after you have been removed from the game.
"We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when..."Next week: The Top 10 Reasons Chicks Dig Fu' Leng
Last updated by Neil Laughlin on October 17, 1997.