Movies

Sanitized For Your Perversion


Gee, I wonder why the folks who subbed the Rape Zombie series and put it up on Amazon Video left that part out of the title, and just went with “Lust Of The Dead”…

It’s nice to know that if you want to watch hilariously terrible low-budget soft-core schlock movies, Amazon’s got your back. The “customers who watched this also watched” list for this one is like a blackout drinking game of awful titsplosions.

WTF WTF West


It was late, I was bored, and Wild Wild West was free on Amazon Prime video. I vaguely remembered that it was… “less than good” (and not “so bad it’s good”), but also that it prominently featured the delectable Salma Hayek.

How did so many talented people manage to commit such a dreadful train wreck?

Okay, there’s the claim that producer Jon Peters tries to get a giant mechanical spider into all of his films.

And the gang-bang rewrites of the script.

And the last-minute reshoots to “clarify” the fact that it was supposed to be a comedy.

And that Kevin Kline “considered himself too good of an actor for the finished product”, despite a lack of evidence for this in his performance.

And Will Smith’s admission that giving up the lead role in The Matrix for this was his worst career decision ever.

And the decision to use the original series theme in only one scene.

And Kenneth Branagh attempting Frank N Furter levels of campiness.

Hmmm, I think I’m answering my own question here…

Wonder Woman


Worth seeing on the big screen, which is something I haven’t said about a DC movie in many years. For that matter, I can’t remember the last one I said was worth seeing at all.

Apart from some shots that were ruined by being designed for 3D (which I never bother with; I’m a Monday-morning-matinee cheapskate), I thought everything looked great. Gal Gadot gives an excellent fish out of water, coming of age performance, and the rest of the cast holds it together nicely. I even liked the child actors.

Amusing note: one of the previews for this film was Atomic Blonde, which was absolutely filled with ridiculous chick-fu combat scenes that required more strength, speed, and stamina than James Bond and Jason Bourne put together. Wonder Woman can fight against men that way; human women cannot, and I don’t see anything about her being a cyborg. Also amusing was the “fight like a girl” trailer for the new Transformers movie, which carried a message of grrrl power and nice tits, which is always important when you’re watching giant robots bash each other into scrap metal.

Update: The BluRay pre-release is currently #11 on Amazon. I think it’s a hit…

Guardians of the Galaxy 2


They should have just called it “Tiny Groot Adventures”.

The movie is 2 hours, 16 minutes, and I don’t know if that counts the multiple before/during/after-credits scenes. It definitely doesn’t count the 20 minutes of trailers I had to sit through with earplugs in. I should have just showed up 15 minutes late; the theater was pretty empty at 10:40 AM on a Monday.

Without spoiling anything, I’ll just say that I don’t think it had 136 minutes of story to tell. The celebrity cameos felt forced, Kurt Russell’s performance turned to crap when he (spoilered), and the extended dance mix of (spoiler’s) (spoiler) at the end just went on and on. I was catching Pokemon for most of it.

Also, while the Stan Lee cameo in the previous film was amusing, his first scene in this one was a bit too wink-wink-nudge-nudge, and the second was just dumb. Howard the Duck’s performance was less annoying than Stan Lee’s.

Apart from the three major cameos, nothing really threw me out of the film, and those bits were short enough that I was able to forget them and enjoy the ride. I wouldn’t go see it again, even as a matinee, and I don’t think I’ll buy the Bluray. I’ll watch it again with friends when it comes out, but just the once.

Note: yes, that’s Ben Browder. And Ving Rhames. And Michelle Yeoh. And even Michael Rosenbaum playing someone bald…

This works for me


Doctor Strange movie ad in Japan

(via)

All for one, with tea and dancing


Three Apprentice-Geisha Musketeers

(via)

Are you gonna call?


Even many of the critical reviews of the new Ghostbusters are buying into the claims that there was a massive misogynist movement opposing it [citation needed]. So, with a decent-but-not-outstanding opening weekend, it now needs one of two things to be a success: a solid second weekend to show that people are willing to tell their friends and see it again themselves, and/or outstanding overseas performance. That means that this is the chart to watch.

With the second-largest number of screens and only one major competitor, this weekend wasn’t hard. Next weekend? Star Trek Beyond and Ice Age: Collision Course open, and The Secret Life of Pets will likely still be competing for space. Today, in my town, Pets is showing 38 times to GB’s 24, and at one of them, all of the morning and afternoon 3D/Atmos/MPX screens are reserved for Pets. Finding Dory, still making good money, has 15 showings, and The Legend of Tarzan 13; rounding out the top five from the boxofficemojo link, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates has 10.

Me? I stayed home. There was nothing in the theaters that looked even vaguely interesting, and anyway, I’m getting over a week-long battle with a rather nasty cold. I doubt my bouts of coughing would have enhanced the movie-going experience for anyone.

Roman Porno


So I stumbled across this photo:

used bookstore w/ 'roman porno' section

The sign reads “2nd floor: Roman Porno, Adult, Photobooks”. Looked a bit Engrishy to me, with my initial thought being that they meant “romantic” or couples-friendly porn. Um, no.

The poster underneath the sign (with the actress looking hurt, frightened, or both) reads “All Color. (circle k) Nikkatsu Roman Porno”, and that means these (Wikipedia link without pictures). With many titles like “Rape Frenzy: Five Minutes Before Graduation”, romance this ain’t. A handful of the dozens of films they cranked out between 1971 and 1988 apparently feature some consensual sex, but domination, rope bondage, and rape are more common.

So, that’s a big “no thanks”.