Saturday, May 17 2003

Las Vegas trip highlights: Angela Little

So, I’ve returned from my little road trip to Las Vegas, and I bless the kind soul who let me know that Angela was the X-Mate for this month in ‘X - An Erotic Adventure’ at the Aladdin.

(Continued on Page 127)

Monday, July 14 2003

By their threats shall ye know them

Hey, what’s a web site without fraudulent threats of legal action? There’s a guy out there who has bullied and blustered his way into a business running pay web sites for Playboy models under various names, primarily “Alpha Interactive” (no links provided; after all, my goal here is to convince you to spend your money elsewhere).

This is old news, but I couldn’t resist the urge to yank his chain by reposting his threats and explaining his motive in making them.

(Continued on Page 132)

Monday, July 21 2003

Live Munitions!

The most popular content from munitions.com is now back online: my large photo archive, consisting mostly of fully-clothed Playboy models. It’s in serious need of a complete overhaul, including rescanning every image to get rid of the worst mistakes that my flaky LS-2000 inflicted, but it’s back.

Of course, the whole collection was apparently posted to Usenet again last week, and I’m sure that a bunch of the pictures are being fraudulently sold on eBay this week, either as “real prints from the negative” or “copyright-free image CDs.” This, however, is their home, and having it back online makes it easier for me to file copyright infringement claims with ISPs.

Tuesday, July 22 2003

Topless, lifeless

I want to like Page3.com. Viewing attractive young women who are wearing little or no clothing is a hobby of mine, one I’m unlikely to give up any time soon. And, indeed, some of the pictures work just fine for me: pretty girl, nice smile, healthy body, real breasts, no piercings, few or no visible tattoos.

Most of the time, though, I find myself wondering if I’m looking at a woman or a RealDoll. The blank stare! The static pose! The aftermarket accessories! It’s like those giant inflatable liquor bottles: great advertising but no substance.

(Continued on Page 1458)

Thursday, September 11 2003

Nothing about 9/11

Although you have to admit, as reasons to hate the West go, half-naked pop-tarts are a more plausible explanation than most. Beats blaming it all on Bush.

Sunday, October 19 2003

Featured model: Liz Stewart

After the famine, a feast. I’ve finally updated my picture site, posting the last scans I made before I abandoned my flaky Nikon LS-2000 for good. These are from a quick outdoor session with Playboy Playmate Liz Stewart, seventeen years after her centerfold.

I’ve met 200 or so Playmates, and Liz made my top-ten list about fifteen seconds after saying “hello.”

Liz Stewart

Saturday, November 8 2003

Wear a bikini, go to jail

If you’re lucky. It seems that Vida Samadzai, also known as Internet pin-up girl Miss Afghanistan, is in serious trouble back home.

Fortunately for her, she fled to the US at age fifteen, where she’s not only allowed to wear bikinis in public, but also study at a California state university. For her next act of cultural independence, I suggest training at Gunsite; she may need it soon.

Tuesday, May 18 2004

Page 3: less real than RealDoll

Some people just don’t get it. Beverley Goodway got it. Alan Strutt? Doesn’t get it. (link NSFW in countries where women cover their breasts…)

I’m sure this woman is quite attractive. I’m sure that another photographer could show her in a flattering light. But I don’t think even Gen Nishino on his worst day could make her look any more like a department-store mannequin! That pose! That shiny skin! That cast-in-plastic expression! All that’s missing is a price tag on her thong.

Will the editors of The Sun please take away this man’s camera before someone gets hurt?

[local copy of NSFW image follows…]

(Continued on Page 1954)

Thursday, August 5 2004

Bikini Exterminators

The Sun is apparently trying to become the premiere tabloid for SF fans. How? By putting a Dalek on Page 3.

Local copy of not-safe-for-work picture follows:

(Continued on Page 2060)

Monday, August 30 2004

“Hey, where did the pictures go?”

I took the munitions.com web site down for the night. We’re trying to diagnose an odd TCP error that keeps some people from seeing any of my sites, and the current suspect is the packet filter.

Of course, no packet filter means no bandwidth throttling, and no bandwidth throttling means that all those pictures of happy smiling Playboy models get downloaded a lot more. This gets expensive rather quickly…

Update: back now. Definitely something in either PF or my ruleset that’s interacting badly with Fedora’s latest update to TCP window scaling. The only thing I can think of is the scrub rule, so I’ve commented it out for now.

Sunday, September 24 2006

Uplifting International News

September is ending, school is starting, my job is alternately tedious and annoying, and the world is filled with people desperate to pretend that everything will turn out all right if we just stop offending the delicate sensibilities of murderous savages.

And so, I spend my afternoon ogling pretty girls from Japan, modeling new bikinis and hawking gaming gear.

And if that doesn’t work, there’s always Ayaka teaching English to Morning Musume.

Tuesday, March 20 2007

Tuesday, April 3 2007

“Faith Lightspeed”

It’s very easy to find free pictures of naked women on the Internet. Some of them are pretty. Some have nice bodies. Some are comfortable in front of the camera. Some contain only OEM parts with no aftermarket accessories. Some are decently made up, lit, posed, focused, photographed, and edited.

A casual google for the name “Faith Lightspeed” will turn up a few hundred nude pictures of an adorable, cheerful redhead whose only significant flaw is being excessively shaved. A pay site is available. Also DVDs.

Saturday, April 14 2007

Buttons are jealous, kittens are terrified…

…dogs are howling in pain from the sound of her voice.

Kusumi Koharu

Kusumi Koharu can’t sing. Here’s proof. There’s plenty more where that came from, but it should be watched with the sound off, because while she’s a really, really cute teenage girl who can bounce around cheerfully with the other girls in Morning Musume, she’s painful to listen to.

It’s not that all of the other girls in the Hello!Project empire were chosen for their vocal talent; the majority will never “graduate” to a solo career, and you’ll only hear them solo individual lines in a group performance (sorry, Tsuji, but with Kago’s permanent departure from the organization, your career is screwed). It’s just that Koharu stands out for pushing the cute/voiceless trend to a new extreme.

Although from the audition video, at least one of the two Chinese girls who were just added to the group might actually be a worse singer…

[oh, and the ED from her anime is sung by another H!P group, °C-ute, some of whose members will eventually become teenagers…]

Wednesday, May 30 2007

Technology put to use…

While browsing the newly-updated iTunes store, I stumbled across the following podcast: 女の子の写真スライドショー/Japanese Cute Girl Slide Show. It’s exactly what it sounds like.

Of course, you could download the same photos at higher resolution from someplace like Zorpia, and you wouldn’t be limited to this person’s taste in music and girls. But then it wouldn’t auto-download a new one to your iPod every week, which I guess counts as a feature.

Sunday, June 22 2008

Dear Maki Goto,

You’ve left Hello!Project behind. You’ve got a new manager, a contract with a real record label, and tens of thousands of fans had idolgasms just seeing cellphone camera pictures of your recent training trip to LA. You’re positioned to take over the world.

Could you at least pick up a decent dress on the way to the show?

(Continued on Page 3016)

Thursday, January 29 2009

Dear Page 3,

You. Do. Not. Understand.

(NSFW)

(Continued on Page 3239)

Friday, April 10 2009

Page 3 gets it right (NSFW!)

I give the folks at Page 3 abuse when they deliver horrible pin-ups, so it’s only fair that I praise them when they get it right. Warm skin tones? Check. Flattering pose? Check. Model alive and aware? Check. Proper lighting? Check. Lingerie that works with her curves rather than against them? Check.

Pretty girl wearing very little? Check. Not safe for work? Check.

(Continued on Page 3309)

Friday, May 22 2009

Saturday, June 13 2009

How to sell comic books…

…in Japan. Not precisely safe for work…

(Continued on Page 3361)

Sunday, June 21 2009

How to make an old cellphone sexy…

Hand it to Han Ga Eun (한가은)…

(Continued on Page 3368)

Saturday, September 19 2009

…to reign in Hell

In a surprise announcement that has left fans reeling, Satan (aka Koharu Kusumi) is leaving Morning Musume and Hello!Project, at the tender age of 17. Like fellow “graduate” Erika Umeda, she’s announced plans to become a model; unlike the 18-year-old Umeda, however, she has a stack of popular photobooks and DVDs attesting to her solo popularity, so she’s guaranteed some initial success.

This is on top of the mass exodus of the grownups earlier this year, and the curiously-handled retirement of Kanna Arihara, so it’s been a rough year for H!P fans, and with star-pimp Tsunku bringing ever-younger girls (6? WTF?) into his stables, I suspect it’s a bit nerve-wracking for the surviving members as well.

[Update: pimp-blogging reveals that she didn’t jump, she was pushed. That should make both fans and fellow members even more nervous about the organization’s future.]

Wednesday, October 7 2009

Dear Page 3,

It’s been a while since you delivered an honest-to-gosh pinup, and this is the first time you’ve ever delivered a truly first-rate picture of Rosie. I’d link to it directly, but you use Flash to prevent usability, so I’ll have to just copy it.

NSFW, of course, given that she’s wearing about three grams worth of bikini bottoms.

[Update: two days in a row? Did you just hire a new senior editor?]

(Continued on Page 3428)

Tuesday, October 27 2009

Dear Page 3,

Is Chloe the only model you’ve never managed to publish a bad picture of? Could you please apply this same high, perky standard to all the other girls?

[NSFW! NSFW!]

(Continued on Page 3437)

Monday, December 7 2009

Faces, collected

So after all that work identifying H!P women in pictures, what does it look like in iPhoto?

(large JPEG below the fold)

(Continued on Page 3453)

Thursday, May 6 2010

Mai Pudding

[Update: turns out she was in the Negima! live-action drama, as the ghost student Sayo. I knew his students would grow up cute.]

Amazon Japan recommended this DVD to me a while back:

Mai Pudding DVD

Her name is Mai Nishida, and she seems like a nice girl. The Mai/My pun is an old one in Japan, and as for pudding, well, Biyuuden made that one clear in the video for their song Ice Cream & My Pudding (warning: bunny girls!). That one has another pun, writing “ice” as 愛す = “to love”; putting it before a noun makes it an adjective modifying cream…

Back to Mai. The circled text on the front reads 可愛くて柔らかい = “cute and soft”. Not visible is the back-cover blurb, which reads, in part, 大胆ビキニから溢れちゃうぷるぷる揺れるGカップ! = “completely overflowing from daring bikini, jiggling, swaying G-cups!”.

As I said, she seems like a nice girl. Oh, and she was 19 when this was filmed. Five-foot-two. 35-23-32. Type O. Aries. From Kyoto. Details matter.

Thursday, June 24 2010

Unfortunate romanization

Yukie Kawamura is a successful model in Japan. She has a nickname, ゆっきー, derived from her first name, ゆきえ.

If you can read hiragana, you can see where this is going. For the rest of you, her name should be pronounced as if it were three syllables yoo-kee-ay. Her nickname was formed by replacing the “ay” with an extension of the “ee”, and adding a glottal stop before the “k”, for “yook-(pause)-eeee”, which sounds precisely like something a devoted fan would shout upon sighting her.

What does it look like romanized on a mildly-NSFW DVD cover?

(Continued on Page 3584)

Saturday, January 8 2011

Guiltless Pleasures

For those of us who feel really, really old when we find our eyes drawn to an eighteen-year-old in a bikini, here’s the latest photo of the former den mother of Morning Musume, first-generation member Yuko Nakazawa, age 37.

(Continued on Page 3687)

Tuesday, January 11 2011

Well, that explains a few things…

Now I see why Girls Generation is unstoppable: they’re cyborgs.

(Continued on Page 3689)

Monday, July 25 2011

Dear TakeShobo, Inc.,

The mimetic word “puruun”, used to describe the sound of bouncing breasts, should never be written as the English word “prune”. Changes the tone of this DVD title completely.

(and for those who are wary of youthful-looking Japanese models, the back cover claims she was 20 when this was shot two years ago. It also claims a 40-inch, J-cup bustline and height just under 5 feet, so her future plans include back surgery)

Monday, October 3 2011

Aligned with my interests…

Ahem. Idol All-star Swimsuit Tournament, 2009.

Nikkan Sports has quite a few photo galleries that may be of interest. Some of them may even feature sports. They “protect” the pictures with the usual stupid disable-right-click Javascript, which will keep them from being downloaded for a fraction of a second.

Tuesday, November 1 2011

Ai Shinozaki’s film debut…

It, um, exploits her talents.

And it’s called “Pantsu no Ana”.

Thursday, November 10 2011

Rest In Peace, Cynthia Myers

I’m not a big one for sharing feelings on my blog, but Cynthia was a warm, wonderful human being, and I will miss her.

…and I can’t resist sharing the first picture I ever saw of her…

(Continued on Page 3922)

Thursday, May 31 2012

A perfect pinup

The photographer and stylists responsible for this picture of Shizuka Nakamura (中村静香) deserve as much recognition as the model, but unfortunately, I don’t know which shoot it comes from. The artistic and technical quality remind me of Playboy at its (long-vanished) best.

Not nude, but still under the fold, just in case there are workplaces where pretty girls in bikinis are a bad thing.

(Continued on Page 4028)

Friday, July 6 2012

Another kanji-tattoo victim

Hopefully this nonsense was just painted on for the photo, and she doesn’t really have this tattoo. It’s classic Hanzismatter material. I can’t see them all clearly, but the fifth and sixth look like the top and bottom of “老”.

I’d like to credit the original artist, since the content of the “tattoo” is only a minor part of the composition, but of course it arrived through Tumblr, a system that goes out of its way to hide sources. My search dead-ended at the ironically-named Cool Tattoos tumblr.

[Update: the model’s name is Salleh Sparrow, and sadly, it is indeed a tattoo. She’s also a photographer, so it may be a self-portrait; I eventually traced it back to a defunct DeviantArt page under her name. The slightly larger version of the image that I found didn’t make the characters any clearer, and her Facebook portfolio doesn’t have anything that shows them off, either.]

Let's scribble on a naked chick! It's art!

Speaking of Hanzismatter, I think this is my new favorite bad tattoo. At least the tattoo artist used a real character, and the result is only a bit absurd, not obscene or gibberish.

Thursday, July 19 2012

My non-existent Tumblr blog #3

“If I were to create a Tumblr blog…”, he says, refusing once again to enter the swirling vortex of multi-panel animated gifs, endless-scrolling memory hogs, and myspace-like design aesthetics, “I think I’d have to call it Baffled Cheesecake, in honor of a sexyfail expression that’s almost as common as Bored Porn Star, Angry Stripper, Constipated Chick, and Wannabe Realdoll.”

Two samples below, one nude.

(Continued on Page 4049)

Tuesday, July 24 2012

Dear Ami Tokito,

W. T. F.

Personally, I want something more like your old Twister video

Friday, July 27 2012

I’ll just leave this here…

…in case anyone needs it. Yuu Hasebe.

Wednesday, August 29 2012

Grilled cheesecake

Not safe for bikini-unfriendly workplaces…

(Continued on Page 4074)

Thursday, January 10 2013

Mitsumi Hiromura

This is aligned with my interests.

(more here)

Tuesday, April 23 2013

Do the models know?

At the creepy end of the Japanese photobook/DVD market, you can be pretty sure that the very young models don’t really know that being photographed in perfectly ordinary school outfits is fetish bait for middle-aged men, and that the photographers, editors, and stylists feel no urge to enlighten them. Ditto when they set up a scene in the kitchen and carefully adjust her string bikini to emulate the “naked apron” fetish.

But what about the ones who are all grown up?

(Continued on Page 4220)

Sunday, July 14 2013

Real-life Escher Girl

I stumbled on this picture recently, and was struck by how effortlessly she pulled off the classic Escher Girls boobs-and-butt pose.

Misa Kusumoto, Escher Girl

After a bit of digging, I discovered that she’s Misa Kusumoto, a 21-year-old actress/model who’s just released her first DVD, which includes this photo on the back cover. A few more pictures from photographer Shin Yamagishi are available, as well as a very short bio.

Friday, November 15 2013

Danger Level: Freckles

Kanae Kanzaki

Kanae Kanzaki, collected here, here, here, and of course a google image search for 神崎かなえ will find plenty more. It looks like she did some part-time amateur modeling in college, then moved on. Her blog is abandoned, “her” twitter account exists only to promote some digital photobooks by one of the photographers who shot her, and I haven’t found anything to suggest that she’s still getting in front of cameras. Pity.

Sunday, November 17 2013

Queen’s Blade, The Live

Queen’s Blade, the ecchi anime, was based on a set of game books featuring art by popular character designers, with rules from the old Lost Worlds game books.

To attract a new audience, the latest set features photos of popular cheesecake models such as Ayaka Sayama, who takes the role of Captain Liliana.

Queen's Blade The Live, Captain Liliana
Ayaka Sayama, out of her pirate gear

No Bodacious Space Pirates were harmed in the production of these books.

Tuesday, December 3 2013

Did someone order cheesecake?

Well, technically, he ordered extra-dimensional animated naked electro-girls, but I choose to respond with… something else.

(Continued on Page 4344)

Wednesday, December 25 2013

Holiday cheesecake

So I spent part of my Christmas Day watching cheesecake, specifically this Blu-ray disc featuring Kaho Takashima (pics). I have some rather rude words for the cameraman’s ability to handle lighting and contrast (pro-tip: if your lighting makes the model’s ribs look bruised, you’re doing it wrong), and his insistence on using a wide-angle lens for closeups, but Kaho’s a very pretty girl with a great smile, and usually manages to project personality despite poor direction.

The audio in this sort of video can be hit-or-miss. They often just use the on-camera microphone, so when the model isn’t talking, they play whatever music they could afford. In this case, I was generally satisfied with the instrumental pieces they used, until I reached the segment where they put her in a school uniform and started shooting upskirt shots (because Japan), and accompanied it with a quite pleasant piano solo of Amazing Grace.

Fortunately I’m not part of the target audience for schoolgirl upskirts, so the rather jarring contrast just increased my amusement.

I’ll end with a seasonal picture from Kaho’s blog, from a recording session for Japan TV’s Idol League:

Santa Kaho

Monday, January 27 2014

Dear Erika Yazawa,

Never change.

Erika Yazawa, Shodo Master

(from her 2014 calendar)

Friday, February 14 2014

Valentine’s Day Candy

Eye Candy, that is.

(Continued on Page 4373)

Wednesday, February 26 2014

Cheesecake: Miwako Kakei

A rising star in the magazine-cover business is almost-20-year-old Miwako Kakei (筧美和子). An image search will turn up many pleasantly distracting images, of which this is one.

Miwako Kakei

In full makeup, she tends to look about as Japanese as I do, but that has more to do with stylists than genetics. She looks thoroughly Japanese in most of the photos on her blog.

Friday, April 25 2014

Dear Hello!Project Costume Designers,

CanCam dresses your girls better. Or, in this case, undresses them better, as Satan shows off a little bit of denim and a whole lot of Satan. Bonus: she’s not singing.

(Continued on Page 4409)

Saturday, May 17 2014

Is naked Satan cute?

Dear Hello!Project fans,

Apparently the folks who scanned Koharu Kusumi’s recent exposure in Cancam forgot to include the front and back pages of the insert. It’s obviously her, even before spotting the little beauty marks on her chin, so I wonder why they weren’t scanned. Then again, perhaps I don’t want to know…

I happened to be making a big order with Amazon Japan (~$500 in books and Bluray discs), so since that issue was still in stock, I threw it in. Lots of pretty girls pitching beauty products, as expected, so I’m not planning a subscription. By the way, the shipping for this order was a whole lot cheaper than expected, only $65; Amazon has apparently made some new international deals.

(Continued on Page 4417)

Friday, July 4 2014

Fireworks

Natsuki Kojima, All-American Girl

Natsuki Kojima, helping you celebrate Independence Day. The little speech bubble reads “smiles and swimsuits are free”, and she uses these freedoms well.