Wednesday, November 4 2009

Hero meets Villain

[What really happens when heroes and villains interact? In Champions Online, we don’t have the opportunity to chat with our adversaries. There’s some random speech bubbles and the occasional monologing cut-scene, but no real dialogue.]

“I’m not a super-villain.”

“You have a lair.”

“I have a lab.”

“It’s hidden in a deserted warehouse.”

“The lease was cheap.”

“It has security cameras and electrified doors.”

“In this neighborhood? I should think so.”

“It has multi-level interior defenses, including pit traps, gas bombs, and little flying robots with lasers.”

“I like my privacy.”

“It has high-tech cages with electro-shackles.”

“To safely restrain anyone who makes it past the flying robots.”

“I’m in the electro-shackles.”

“You made it past the flying robots.”

“Naked.”

“You might have had concealed weapons.”

“You took pictures.”

“Who wouldn’t?”

“You sold them on the Internet.”

“To pay for new flying robots.”

“You built an android that looks exactly like me.”

“You’re an excellent model.”

“You gave it my voice.”

“I certainly couldn’t give it my voice.”

“It’s anatomically correct.”

“Details matter.”

“You dressed it in my costume, sent it to a press conference, and had it announce my retirement.”

“For your own good, really; you weren’t much of a heroine.”

“Three weeks ago.”

“And has anyone noticed? Apart from the fans who bought the pictures?”

“You’re keeping me in a cage!”

“It’s quite comfortable, and you certainly can’t complain about the food.”

“You make me eat out of a dog bowl!”

“Well, yes; your hands are in electro-shackles.”

“That machine keeps probing me!”

“It’s a high-tech shower. I bought it in Japan.”

“It has tentacles!”

“Japan.”

“…that vibrate!”

“Japan.”

“You force me to watch psychedelic mind-control videos!”

“It’s just anime.”

“Look, you’ve got a naked woman chained up in your secret lair, you’ve laid a false trail so no one will come looking for her, you torture her every day with mechanical tentacles, and you still claim you’re not a super-villain?”

“Precisely what crimes have I committed?”

“Naked woman. Cage. Tentacles. Anime.”

“I mean before you destroyed the security cameras, disabled the electrified doors, broke into my lab, filled in the pit traps, set off the gas bombs, and ruined all my wonderful little flying robots.”

“You have a lair.”

“Is that an actual crime?”

“You have a lair! A secret lair with traps and lasers and robots and cages!”

“I got a waiver from the zoning commission.”

“The zoning commission?!?”

“Yes, all the paperwork’s on file downtown. You’d have known that if you’d done your homework first, instead of just leaping into battle.”

“If it’s all so innocent, then why am I still here?!?”

“Well, after retiring and selling off everything you own, you don’t really have much of a life to go back to. I can’t just throw you out on the street, naked and penniless.”

“That was the android! And you took all the money!”

“To pay for new flying robots.”

“You…, you…, hey, where is that android?”

“Upstairs in the living quarters. I’ve improved her programming so that she cooks, cleans, and provides other domestic services.”

“Her? She? ‘Domestic services’? Are you having sex with it?!?”

“Frequently.”

“I can’t believe this. Do you dress it in my costume?”

“Oh, no. Her wardrobe is much more tasteful and appealing.”

“So you’re telling me that while I’m chained up naked in a cage, alone, with nothing to do but dodge tentacles and watch anime, my robot double lives in a nice apartment, wears pretty clothes, and has a boyfriend?”

“Basically correct.”

“YOU! ARE! A! SUPER-VILLAIN!”

“Hmmm, I see your point.”

“LET ME GO!”

“No, no, I can’t do that, but I think I’ve come up with a way to relieve your boredom.”

“Better videos?”

“Better tentacles.”

“I hate you.”

“You’re the one who called me a super-villain. Don’t start whining when I act the part.”

“Please let me go.”

“No.”

“I’ll have sex with you if you let me go.”

“I prefer the android.”

“Oh, come on; I’m better than any robot girl.”

“Not according to the tentacles.”

“I really hate you.”

“You’re not very good at relationships.”

“THIS IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP! THIS IS KIDNAPPING! SLAVERY! TENTACLES!!!

“Seems pretty normal to me.”

“Normal?!? Keeping a naked woman chained up in a cage with naughty tentacles while you sleep with her robot-double maid is NORMAL?!?”

“Have you actually been watching the anime?”

“You’re not going to let me go.”

“No.”

“You’re going to keep me here forever.”

“Yes. I find your fits of impotent rage quite amusing.”

“Grrrr.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with an android.”

“Wait! Stop! Look, could you at least do me one small favor?”

“What’s that?”

“Could you make the tentacles a little warmer?”