Thursday, December 30 2004

Anime Endings: Kiddy Grade

After I finished watching this series, I started imagining how they came up with it…

(warning: some spoilers included)


A-kun
“I’ve got a great idea. Let’s remake The Dirty Pair with modern production values.”
B-kun
“I like it! I just came up with some very cool character designs that would be perfect for a show like that, and I’ve got this friend who does killer mechs.”
A-kun
“Okay, we can just rip off the setting and change the name of the WWWA, but we’re gonna need a plot.”
B-kun
“Plots are boring. Why can’t we just do random adventures with no real continuity or character development, like the old days?”
A-kun
“Because if we don’t, all those jaded fansub addicts will have a hissy fit on their web sites, and nobody will buy the DVDs when we finally release it in the US.”
B-kun
“Okay, okay, how’s this? Our heroines have mysterious pasts, and their bosses have a secret agenda.”
A-kun
“That’s not really a plot.”
B-kun
“Best I can do on short notice, sorry. Should be good enough for the pitch meeting, and once we’ve got a budget we can hire writers.”


C-kun
“Terrific idea you two came up with! Sharp character designs, terrific mechs, and remaking a fan favorite like The Dirty Pair with some mystery and darkness, that’s genius.”
A-kun
“You really like it?”
C-kun
“Yeah. You’ll have to make some changes, though.”
B-kun
“Like what?”
C-kun
“Well, I always thought Kei was a little too butch, so your version should be more girly. And give her bigger tits. We’re not looking for Divergence Eve, here, just a fantastic pair of jugs.”
A-kun
“We can do that. I worry about it as a trend, though. A few more years of this, and none of our characters will be able to stand up.”
B-kun
“We’ll burn that bra when we come to it. Okay, big tits and a girly-girl. What about Yuri?”
C-kun
“Well, the marketing guys are all crazy for this ‘moe’ thing. I don’t get it, myself, but the bottom line is that they say we need some lolicon appeal.”
A-kun
“They know it’s an action show, right?”
C-kun
“Little girls need action, too.”
A-kun
“Can I quote you on that?”
C-kun
“No. We’ll call you when our writer has had a chance to look everything over.”


A-kun
“You’re not going to believe this.”
B-kun
“More changes?”
A-kun
“Well, the writer is a big Dirty Pair fan, too, and he thinks the problem with all the old stuff was that the girls just weren’t powerful enough.”
B-kun
“I thought we were moving away from the butch thing.”
A-kun
“No, no, he means really powerful. Not just guns and a cool starship, but cyber/nano-tech power.”
B-kun
“Warren did that already, and I thought it sucked.”
A-kun
“Bigger than that. OMAC with boobs, and a ship that can wipe out entire fleets.”
B-kun
“OMAC?”
A-kun
“I’ll explain later. Bottom line is, they need super-powers, with cool visual effects. And everybody gets poofy French names.”
B-kun
“French?”
A-kun
“Director’s girlfriend. Can’t be helped.”


C-kun
“Well, boys, we’re halfway through the series, and we’ve run into a little snag.”
B-kun
“You killed the heroines.”
C-kun
“Besides that. My niece is into cosplay, and her mother thinks she’s a little young to be dressing up as Éclair.”
A-kun
“You want new costumes halfway through the show?”
C-kun
“No, no, that wouldn’t make sense.”
B-kun
“Actually, a lot of fans bitch about anime heroes always wearing the same outfit every day, like they’ve never heard of laundry or wardrobes.”
C-kun
“The fans can bite me. No, I had a great idea: since our heroines have mysterious pasts involving cyber/nano-tech, let’s give them completely new bodies, not just new outfits.”
B-kun
“Well, I did think it was a waste that we couldn’t use all those other character designs I came up with. How about one of these?”
C-kun
“Hmm, this one shows a little less tit. That’ll keep her mother off my back.”
A-kun
“Um, sir, about the plot?”
C-kun
“Coming together nicely, don’t you think? We’ve got mystery, darkness, death, pathos, action, excitement, …”
B-kun
“Still haven’t come up with a way to wrap it all up at the end?”
C-kun
“No, not a clue.”


C-kun
“We have a problem.”
B-kun
“You killed the heroines again.”
C-kun
“Besides that. We need a way out of this.”
A-kun
“Wait, you mean your writer gave the villain a giant transforming planet-destroying starship, killed off the heroines (again), and has no idea how to finish the story?”
C-kun
“None whatsoever. Helluva secret agenda, though, don’t you think?”
B-kun
“You know what we’re going to have to do, don’t you?”
C-kun
“You’ve got something?”
B-kun
“Well, super-powers got us into this mess, so it seems to me that super-powers are the only way to get us back out.”
C-kun
“That’s it! I’ve got it!”
A-kun
“Really?”
C-kun
“Yes, and I’ll give you a hint: deus ex loli.”
A-kun
“But wait, didn’t you take away her super-powers? And kill her (again)?”
B-kun
“Shhhh. I think he’s got something there.”
A-kun
“But it’s stupid! It’s insulting! Even the dimmest fan is going to ask when she got her powers back, and why she’s suddenly far more powerful than she was before.”
B-kun
“Oh, that’s easy. They have mysterious pasts, remember?”
A-kun
“My head hurts.”
B-kun
“I’ve got the cure. Check out my designs for our next series.”
A-kun
“Mahou-shoujo Jailbait Yuri?”
B-kun
“With a plot. Guaranteed.”
A-kun
“It doesn’t involve mysterious pasts and secret agendas, does it?”
B-kun
“Oops.”